(continued from part 1)
As said, continuing the trailing residues of my thoughts after the Engage Conference is over ~ post conference, still running around like chicken, but with head, and not chasing tails anymore! 😀
So, other things I thought about:
The growth gap
One thing I am more aware of is the fact that there is always room for growth because there is always a gap between what we know and what we do in practice. We know what’s the mature thing to do. So..? Well, choose to do it. That’s how we grow, in little decisions to do right everyday. Otherwise, the weight of knowledge only make your head heavier if they’re just stuck there.
In relation to others, I learn that you should do good at all times because your resource comes from God, not your own wellbeing. I learn that you need to consciously look beyond your interest to that of others.
Interestingly, and rightly, but somewhat unexpectedly, instead of being burdensome, that’s the path to blessing and living freely and lightly. It is in blessing others that you are blessed (although you don’t make that your motive, which won’t work if you do).
I notice that in changes to people’s outlook as they age, which makes total sense. What you nurture grows, and there’re natural consequences from beliefs and behaviour. You reap what you sow. The longer it is, the more abundant and acute the outcome become. 🌱🌳
Personality type isn’t reason not to look beyond yourself, or just your family. The most miserable people I have met are the group of people who live with themselves as the centre of the universe as their philosophy in life. When you accumulate things just for yourselves, that is no different from accumulating misery, and it feeds on itself and it’s a downward spiral too. The only way out is to reverse it, you gotta look outward, for there is no answer within yourself.
It is not uncommon to hear from the Christian community about ‘God’s plan for you’. I’m not sure that’s the right way to think, as we aren’t that central at all. It looks to me certain that that is a recipe for misery if you think God is there to enhance your life and you’re the main character trying to discover what plan He has for you. Because you see yourself as central, but reality isn’t so. Hence, each time reality nudges you—just being reality—and you are left miserable. It’s not about you or me, and never will be. So, get over yourself and get on to greater things.
Worth more introspection 🔎
When the Apostle Paul called himself the chief of sinners, that is right.
When the bible talks about the log in your eye as opposed to the speck in your brother’s eye, that is right too.
Subjectively, it makes sense. Not that others are better than you, but that you can see your state clearer than you can see others’. So you have to appear worse than all others.
Out of all things I learnt or heard of that were horrible, what’s shocked me the most in the last year is none other than the layers and depths of my own sins. The mixed motives, evil will and desire against some, the hidden hatred, among others. The scariest layers are the most hidden. It reminds me a time more than two decades ago when I was in Singapore studying and living in an apartment with my sis.
We sometimes saw one little cockroach popping up uninvited 🪳, and I would make it run for its life until I sent it to the twilight zone. We thought they came from the ground sewage and those were the few hard working roaches that climbed many storeys into our apartment (Singapore was very clean as I recall, you don’t get bugs investation haphazardly). One day, I was looking for something underneath the kitchen sink, and as I was lifting up one thing after another, and… oh dear! There they were, a whole village of cockroaches having the party of their lives! 🪳🪳🪳🪳🪳🪳 I still cringe now that I think about it. But we didn’t know we’re living in the same apartment as 100 disgusting cockroaches.
Now, imagine if the cockroaches are actually in you.
Even good deeds are tainted, indeed as filthy rags as the bible says. People who spend time with the bible over the years have often said there is no end to the depths of God’s Word. I certainly understand the truth of it more and more over time.
Sometimes in moments of shock when God opens my eyes to my own bankruptcy, I wonder: how can others be worse than me? I can only imagine by using myself as a reference in comparing with others. That is, if I can see myself this way, if I am sure how shocked others will be (especially those who think well of me) if they see me as I really am, then I can be sure I too will be equally shocked if I see those I think well of as they really are. Because we are all humans, we have the same kind of hearts with the same wicked capacity. That is why the bible is right when it says:
10 as it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one;
11 no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
12 All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.”
13 “Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive.”
“The venom of asps is under their lips.”
14 “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”
15 “Their feet are swift to shed blood;
16 in their paths are ruin and misery,
17 and the way of peace they have not known.”
18 “There is no fear of God before their eyes.”Romans 3:10-18
We don’t really understand ourselves if we don’t think we are that bad. And yes, thank God for the restraining grace of God if you are any decent.
So, over the last year, I have been more introspective. It does me good, at the very least it makes me talk less (which is always good). As the bible says too, the more words, the less the meaning—certainly true in our social media world, isn’t it?
On good or bad observation of others, instead of jumping to judge, I try to reflect back on myself, e.g.,
- Yes, people have their own agenda—don’t you?
- Feel used by others for their purpose—have you never done that before?
- They are such insecure people—won’t you be if you are in their shoes?
When you see yourself clearer, you see others clearer. I learn to extend grace and to accept that people are imperfect, limited, and yes unrealiable in their show of love and care, and even in the heart. Haven’t I seen that in myself too?
Only God’s love is steadfast.
Wholeheartedness 🤍
I think many times our life is mediocre because we are mediocre. That is, if you wanna give God a go, to give Christianity a go, then give it a good go. But we don’t, we sit on the fence and keep our feet on both boats in the way we live our life. We don’t resolve to fight a good fight. We give up easily. We behave like Asian investors, that’s right, or perhaps Medanese investors in particular – only want to winning case without any real cost.
It’s like one of my uncles when he was trying to treat his ailments. He suffered some serious health problems, and understandably very eager for any hope held out by anyone, medical or not. He started on different kinds of treatments simultaneously, instead of giving one a good go (especially when there are known contradictions among them). In trying everything all at once, he is likely ending up not experiencing the fruit of any (not fully anyway).
Just like us who are half way there and half-heartedly give God’s way a go, so we do not experience the most that can come out of it. In hedging, we lose even more.
Alright, that’s enough writing my thoughts for now. What’s the conclusion I make from seeing the madness in our instant social media era, from experiencing the way God works, and pondering on the dire need of my own soul..?
Keep up with the solitude!🧎♀️
Gone are the days I make ten resolutions each year, now just keep one thing in mind 🙂
Contrary to perceptions, I know when to stop working (and I do stop). Several new visitors asked and thought I work for the church, some friends have joked that I slept in the church and never left between Sundays. And that’s only church, there is a full time job, and other things too. People ask me how I can keep up with all I do? I ask myself that too sometimes: how do I keep up, productively and cheerfully (isn’t that the amazing thing)? Because rarely a day passes where the doubt doesn’t cross my mind if I can carry on what I am doing. I certainly feel unable more times than not, but I realise I am leaning on God, then there is a strange comfort that I can do nothing apart from Him. I do keep on so far, keenly aware of the hands of God at work, not mine.
One thing I know is that solitude is one of the keys that I have sustained. It is a routine I hope to always prioritise. I am convinced that if that goes, everything else goes. Whatever solitude means to you, it may include time of prayer, opening your heart to God, and reading the bible, opening your mind and heart to receive from Him. For me too, and reading also. 📚
I don’t watch TV normally (= at all). But I have actually been watching some shows on TV recently (thanks to a few months free Apple TV). I only do when I get temporary free subscription like now. Depending on what you watch, some films do make you think, don’t they? As they show you things of the human heart. However, reading a book still takes more thinking than TV, as there are no images / scenes automatically flipping in front of you. In fact you have to think while you’re reading for the image to appear in your mind.
Talking about reading, I read Gilead recently and like it very much. I have always liked books by old dead writers better than contemporary writers as I have found their works so much deeper (not least they have been tested by time). Hence many of the good influences in my life have come from the dead. When I picked up Gilead, I was so pleasantly surprised by how well written it is, it makes you think—well worth the time I spent reading. I highly recommend it to you, a refreshing read indeed.
Anyway, I know it is February, but I am looking forward to my (delayed) EOY break finally! If u read some of my previous posts, you will know I do not see such time as an ‘escape fr reality’. Sometimes we hear people say ‘now back to reality’ when they come back from vacation, as though the vacation is goodie goodie lala land and the rest of life is hard reality. But no, I think life is always hard reality, but filled with so much grace. Each time I take a break from the normal routine, it is indeed just that: a different kind of routine, with different people, with family elsewhere, and I treasure that.