Long overdue!  But here’s the next chronicle of my holiday after the Canadian Rockies – i.e., cruising Alaska!  

On Arriving

No sooner had we settled into our cabins than Mom and aunties were on their way to check out the casino.  There’re only that many things they’re keen to hop on, that means I could leave them to it and have free time on my own!

I went to explore the cruise, making my way down from the top through the stairs (14 levels/decks in total).  Nothing much to mention than that this cruise is as one huge floating hotel + shopping mall.  Oh, as I went to level 12 gym seeing the line of treadmills facing the ocean, I wished I had brought my runners (not that I’m a good runner nor that I even actually enjoy running, but it had such a clear view of the ocean it’s tempting to try!).

I do prefer this cruise than the previous week in Canadian Rockies because there’s more down time, such as when they went to the casino (I’d love to say other things, but really that’s the top interest for auntie A!  And being collectivists, I guess the others just followed along like little chicks! ..  ).

In the quietness, I heard gentle background music and faint squeaks (sounded like steel parts on the ship, on doors, around the hinges, etc).  I watched the passing scenery.  I heard and felt the waves moving alongside the cruise.  In a way I could actually feel the direction and state of the cruise ship, as it were.  Only when I was quiet and especially when it’s dark with no distraction.  Meanwhile there are a hundred other entertainments happening on the other decks.  I bet if something were to go wrong I would be the first to notice (or another person like me elsewhere on the ship).  Of course everyone else would know too if it’s raining fire comets outside punching holes on the ship everywhere.  But then in reality a problem usually starts small first, seldom first.  Then it grows and adds up, and then it overwhelms you in time.  So I think sometimes that’s what happens.  I may get caught up with something I believe in the moment my life depends on, not realising it is a trivial in the scheme of things e.g., getting all worked up at the casino or an art auction somewhere on the ship, while the reality of my life is that something has gone wrong in the engine room and will sink me like a stone whether or not I win the jackpot or the auction.  Too busy and noisy to notice anything of real consequence.

More Interesting (Family) Cultures

• We’re now in the US.  This Canadian + Alaska holiday is in summary: going from Canada -> USA -> Canada -> USA -> Canada -> USA -> Canada.  We’re just entering the US as we boarded the cruise at Seattle pier.  USD.  In Indonesia, they don’t accept anything less than newly printed notes.  But I see why they’re particular about it because once you go back to Indo, as Mom said, even the banks don’t want your USDs because there’s a line there it’s bent before.  Well, I think the banks behave that way because the people behave that way first.  Talking about judging the true worth of things.  It baffled me, give me the money I’ll keep it!

• Another cultural refresher for me was during one of the dinners.  One of the poor tour guides sat with us and man, was he grilled!  Fine dining and he was well done by the end of it – at least that’s what I would have felt.. but come to think of it now, he seemed just fine.

‘So how much are you making?’

‘Why did you divorce?’

‘Your ex-wife must be thinking …’

‘What does your fiancé think of your child?’

Questions punctuated by the aunties discussing in Hokkien (a dialect he didn’t understand) about him pointing at him in front of him.  I did interrupt at one point asking why are we interrogating him like this?  There was a brief pause, and then everything resumed like I had not spoken.  But then I guess he’s used to dealing with this.  Just another Indo aunties group, he may think.  A character building job he has.

• What you don’t care about may affect people’s livelihood.  So we’re given feedback forms to fill in at the end of the tour.  No one took interest, even when I’d fill them out for them.  ‘Just anyhow tick, no one cares.’  May be the tour guides we’re rating do care.  And the waiter/waitresses, sommelier, housekeeping staff, they all kept reminding us like their lives depend on it.
• On the same level as cabe belibis in my previous post, some of the Indos asked for steamed rice in a fine dining restaurant on the cruise.  Customer’s the king, especially when it’s a group of over 60 customers that came as a package.  A main with a plate of steam rice for each person, a sight you don’t normally see (although I have once seen something quite like this in a table of Caucasians eating in an Asian restaurant – main Asian dish for each of them, and a small plate of rice for all of them to share in the middle!).  What’s main becomes side, what’s side becomes main.  That reminds me now of a recent talk I heard about majoring on the major, and minoring on the minor.
• Not a cultural refresher, but a discovery this time: one day I heard some in the tour group talked about the jet lag they’re experiencing and how it’s fixed with sleeping pills.  So there’re a few doctors in the group and they’ve been distributing around sleeping pills to their buddies.  No prescription, they make it sound like giving away lollies.  
• A trademark of Indos tours, I learnt, is there’s always a day dedicated for shopping for the women in the group.  So imagine it be a sightseeing tour, an adventure tour, a whatever tour, there’ll be a day when you’re brought to a factory outlet to go nuts.  So it happened on the last day of this trip.  Buy a big luggage first, then use it to store all your other shopping.  By the end, the bus ran out of luggage storage space we had to use the passengers’ seats inside the bus to stack up the remaining bags!
• On a more serious note, sometimes I lost patience with my auntie who’d been sulking for the past 10 days of the trip.  It’s easy for me to snap but I didn’t think that’s what she needed (although I might at that moment think that’s what she deserved).  Why the misery – may be I should try to understand that first.  But don’t get me wrong, I think there are indeed times when it is best for someone to slap me back to reality when I’m withdrawn into myself, just not every time – and with my auntie, for one I wouldn’t be in the position to slap her (not physically anyway).  However!  On day 11, she seemed suddenly to be alive and went crazy happy.  How do you ever know anyone.., I think to myself.
• Back to the casino, many think one of my aunties is ridiculously lucky – and she is.  In the casino.  But if they just know of her life and what or who she’s lost, it’s unlikely anyone wishes to be in her place anymore.  The problem is people don’t look at the whole package, just pick and choose the good viewed at a distance.  But wait, even the part that looks good may not really be all that good when you look closely!  That’s at least been true in my experience.

On the Ship

I like the captain, he’s funny.  One day, the ship docked on our side of the cabin.  We’re set to depart at 6 pm and told to be back by 5.30 pm.  At about 5.30 pm, I watched a lady running towards the ship with her many shopping.  Then a few minutes later, a father and a child were rushing back to the ship too.  I was on deck/level 8, but I could hear what they’re saying down on the ground.  The staff said we’re missing 2 people.  In a few minutes, sound system came on, the captain spoke, ‘We’re still missing 2 people, we’ve been sounding the horn in case they get distracted in the town.  Hopefully they get back to the ship.  But we do have a schedule to keep up with, so we’ll wait for a few more minutes.  If they don’t come back by then.. .. let’s not talk about it!!  Tomorrow, we will be on our way to… ’

I didn’t know if they made it in the end as I went to take a shower after that announcement and when I was done, the ship already left the dock.  Bye bye.

On another day, we’re told the ship will be passing through a passage called the Tracy Arm Fjord with beautiful scenery.  If you’re keen, you get up early (ETA from 5.30 am) and go to front of the ship for a view.

Early in the morning, in the cold of Alaska, people flocked to the front to stand in awe of the sight.  So there are moments when you are taken off yourself – although, in the midst of the beauty some seemed to still be caught up with themselves as they were only interested in taking photos of themselves than looking at the view?  In any case, it’s a quick flip.  You’re amazed, yet at the same time, quick enough to go back to your own life.  So transient.  Sometimes I think ‘what’s wrong with people?’  But then perhaps you’re thinking what’s wrong with me.  Anyway, I think something is wrong with us all!

As people continued to enjoy the scenery while eating at different places on the ship, the captain spoke, ‘We do this (trip) not to escape reality, but to not let reality escape us.’  There is truth in what he said.  Some of us went on this trip to get away from the everyday which we believe is our reality, but then the ultimate reality doesn’t change to fit our changing thoughts and beliefs.  It stands as it is, like the presence of the beauty we witnessed in front of us, it’s there whether or not we took the time to look at them.  So one says, in order to get out of yourself, once in a while try to look around you, hear people’s stories, experience other parts of the world.  So look out and about.  I try to look upwards instead, because that is the driver that in turns helps me look outward and continue to do so.

Towards the End

Everything runs its course – any trip will come to an end.  But before this one did, I felt like I was the one running on low fuel beforehand.  Bad Melly, bad Melly! 

But it’s true – regardless of how my family seems to sing praises about how good I have been, it is not quite true..!

On the last 2 days or so, something got into me (or rather, something came out of me) and I was irked at small random everything.  Here’re some samples of thoughts I recall having:

• (After minutes of flip flopping between food)  Can we make up our mind already?  It’s just food – pick one and eat!
• Why aren’t you more observant?  We were just getting off this ship.  10 secs later, you’re asking me if this is our ship or the other one is?  We’re still walking along the length of this same ship!  (sigh)  
• After a week on the ship, you still don’t know where to get the ice cream?  And doesn’t even want to get up and wants others to get it for you instead??
• How can you just couldn’t care less about everything, expect people to take care of you like a baby?
• Can you stop talking so loudly?  You’re louder than the tour leader with the mic at front.  People can’t hear him!
• Hey, what do you think you’re doing?  You snored for the whole journey and now we’ve just arrived, you leaped from the back and cut everyone’s queue to get off the bus?  Obnoxious!
• For goodness’ sake, stop belching already.  It’s disturbing.
• Can you stop making such mean remarks about others?  You are mean women.  (Ironically, I was mean too when I snapped at them in defence of ignorant strangers walking around)
• What’s with the noise (loud talks / laughs) late at night, moving mountains at this hour.
• What’s with knocking on my door at 11.30 pm?  What’s wrong with you?  
• How dare that woman refused cancellation of our reservation while allowed others to do so because they’re insistent and we were nice?  I should have made a scene so she’d have given us our rightful cancellation.
• One day the aunties were talking about some young girls flirting at the bar the night before, remarking how the parents did nothing about it and how the girls were ‘crazy over getting a husband’.  Immediately after, one auntie realised, ‘Hey, weren’t we too??  That’s actually normal,.. just don’t go overboard.’  So they stopped speaking there.  I continued with the thought, ‘So you were.  But did it satisfy then?  Turned out rather disappointing, didn’t it?  So any young girl chasing after husband thinking that would solve all their problems shouldn’t assume it will too.  Look at your mothers and wake up.’*
• What a stupid collectivist mindset, why must everything be done together and equivalent, even in tips?  Just give what you want to give, don’t pretend to give more just for the image of it!  Who are you trying to impress?

As you can tell, instead of humbly bearing with any unpleasantness that came my way, I behaved like a proud impatient child having a tantrum – inside anyway, although it may not be visible to others.  But actually, there were occasions when I let it flow out of my mouth.  One time an auntie said, ‘The tour guide is paid too much, he only has 31 to manage in our group.’  I said, ‘Well if every one of the 31 is (so dependent) like you, it will be difficult to manage.’  I also remember saying to another auntie at one point, ‘that’s bad mannerism you have.’  Once when another kept criticizing at someone, I said, ‘Why are you so mean to people?  You’re the one who agreed to that reservation, so stop whining.’  On every occasion, people just smiled sheepishly and silence ensued (I think it would be natural if they were scolding me in their hearts.  But then I won’t know.  Just like you won’t know it’s a jungle of horror in my heart have I not revealed it to you).

What do I learn?  I learn that I need to cultivate humility like the Lord I profess to follow.  Christ did not once grumble at all the hardship and afflictions he suffered through, although he was completely innocent (compared to my own situation where I never was).  He was able to accept meekly all the good and bad that came his way as He knows the One who is sovereign and good.  What source of quietness, strength and comfort to have if it be yours.

Post Trip

My family has been kind.  Back home in Indo, all they have to say about me was positive.  乖 – guai.  That’s the word the aunties and uncles often use to describe me.  It means an obedient well-behaved child (huahahahh).  Well, they don’t know my past.  No, not my present either.  The fact is they don’t know me enough, but I know myself enough to admit the darkness within.  That is why I honestly believe it is complete nonsense that the modern saying goes: Follow your heart.

What does it look like if I did?  I would have slapped one of my aunties and lashed out like a mad dog at many others.  So, really?  ‘Just follow your heart, do what it tells you.’  Well, my mind tells me terrible things.  My heart, even worse.  When we each do whatever we want and follow our hearts’ desires, that is called anarchy, isn’t it?  What utter nonsense to follow your heart.  Our heart is deceitful.  How many times has yours fooled you?

But I suppose, perhaps by that saying, people actually mean to say, ‘Consider what your heart desires, but think with your mind, and be guided by reasons too.’  However, I think it unlikely that people take it that way on the other end.  Instead it’s more likely taken as a licence to gain a peace of mind and quick relief without thinking.  When you don’t want to struggle through the process of deliberating carefully a complex situation, just take the easy way out and do what you feel will gratify you most at the moment, just follow your impulse like a beast.  ‘But we are a kind of animal,’ someone once said to me.  Well yes, amongst living things you may categorise it that way, but we are not mere animal.  If so, why don’t you forget this complex human living and spend your days living in the jungle scratching your back, eating bananas and swinging all day with the monkeys?  Instead, here you are sitting down to talk to me respectfully and trying to use reasoning to draw similarities between us and the real animals out there in the jungle.  You’re more than an animal, there’s a qualitative difference to be acknowledged.

Anyway, I do digress much and should stop right here.  Many are bored long before, but I remain impressed by the few of you who actually read and always make it to the end of another one of my extremely lengthy script!

*I did not mean there is no joy in marriage.  Of course there is.  But there is pain in marriage too.  The problem I see is that many (singles) search and hope for the ultimate fulfillment that comes from a marriage, which is simply not there.  There is a place for it, it is desirable and is beautiful in its proper sphere, but it remains that it is not the ultimate in life.  It comes, and it goes (when either or both of you die anyway, in the best case scenario).  A few months ago, a single friend sent me a link to an article that says ‘it is possible to be single and happy.’  But of course it is possible.  Just like it is also possible to be married and happy.  And that is true.  So I’m not saying marriage is crap, nor am I saying there is no struggle in singleness, but that contentment is not found in some specific circumstance in your life.  It is found elsewhere instead, so go to the right source where it alone can be found.

“..for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”  Phil 4:11-13