On my flight out of Melbourne a few weeks ago, someone sitting next to me (a man may be in his 50s) told me he just got on this plane after a series of issues with his original booking. He got into fights with the staff, and frustrated that they won’t take bribes to get him through when he could have easily done that in his home country. I nodded at the strange things he said. He said he felt bad later and consulted AI on whether his behaviour was acceptable. The AI came back saying he’s reasonable. He then said, ‘I ask this thing,’ pointing to his chat with AI on his phone, ‘when I’m not sure and it give me peace to talk to it.’ I told him it’s a good tool no doubt, but that is not a person. Strange world we live in.

Soon I woke up arriving in Indo, another break from my normal routine (I know, after only two months!), a time with family I treasure and a trip I always learn from. Some thoughts from the trip:

Things I appreciate

Needless to say, time with the family!

I still drive myself and mom around Jakarta, but my tolerance radius is reducing each time!😆 When someone said, ‘let’s meet next week and go somewhere fancy!’ Fancy or not, as long as it’s NOT in South Jakarta! When I first drove in Jakarta ten years ago, I had no clue. I thought I learnt to drive so I could be independent and all I need is the Google Map (couldn’t be more wrong!). I should have listened to my brother back then when I was involved in a number of accidents, he kept telling me, ‘this is not Melbourne!’ Over the years, I come to agree with him more. Now, I just want to avoid unnecessary traffic, stay within 10 km radius as far as possible.

But even nearby, sometimes they just close the roads for any or no reasons (and Google Map doesn’t catch up quickly enough with them), and such is what happened one night. It’s only 15 km, and took us 1.5 hrs to get home from the restaurant, through roundabout off streets that don’t look like streets, potholes everywhere, raining and windy, with our car being the only one in the dark for much of the journey, driving through floods, with flickering street lights over a long stretch (presumably because the electricity was affected by the flooding), that’s a scary drive! Fortunately I had my cousin in the car with me, and Mom and Auntie chatting in the passenger seats behind. When we felt safe enough, my cousin took a video.

Apart from time with the family, cousins, and friends, I also enjoyed the chats with a few brothers and sisters from the church, and very thankful for the fellowship we have that is based on something deep and real that you may meet only once or twice but the conversation can be meaningful, encouraging and enriching. People normally say ‘enjoy the good food!’ when I was going on leave, but it’s always these conversations that cheer my heart and made my day.

At the same time, not sure why but the food I used to crave for just lose their appeal over time 🤔

The culture I observe

Keeping scores ⚖️

There is a very strong transactional culture. People are keeping scores all the time, and very calculative down to the dollar and cents. Chinese, Asians, Medanese, whatever you attribute it to, but even kindness are outward because they’re transactional. Don’t want to owe any ‘kindness/moral debt’.

There is no beauty in your giving because when you give, it’s either to pay a ‘debt’ or you’re investing expecting a return. The result is you are not able to receive a gift genuinely with thanks or you get upset when you’re not getting thanks from others after you give. Isn’t that an exhausting kind of life, always calculating?🧮

A series of things just fell into place nicely when Mom and I were in Malaysia recently, and she said, ‘that’s because you do good, so things turn out well for you.’ In my belief, it is the other way—you’re already given every good thing, and so you do good. You receive freely, hence give freely. But if you think you earn everything and they’re yours, you tend to keep them to yourself and can’t give away freely.

It also affects the way people are valued. If they don’t benefit you, you are not kind to them. E.g., with the maids, you give them things that are rubbish to you anyway. 🗑️🗑️🗑️

‘When it is actually ok to treat your own family less nice, because they won’t mean you harm. With those who are only working for you, they can have ill will towards you when you treat them poorly.’

I replied, ‘but you don’t even need that as a reason to treat them like fellow people.’

‘Well, but that’s the only way to get to them: outsiders can wish you harm, so treat them well.’

Isn’t that sad..?

Another thought I had was on ‘family won’t mean you harm’–> really? May be the person who said that won’t, but I know my own heart that is a human heart and has the capacity to even think of harming your own family.

Out of the fullness of the heart, the mouth speaks 🗣️

Isn’t the Bible right in saying that?

Not only in action, our words reveal our hearts too.

I notice what dominates a conversation over meals. It shows what’s in your heart, for yourselves, for your children. Say, if it’s all about achievements and prestige, and the response of pride or admirations or emphasis also tells where our treasure lies. We are so controlled and driven like a beast to the nose hook, totally predictable and dictated by what happens to be considered prestigious (which changes every era, doesn’t it?). And we are so pleased, affirmed, and dignified when we are given the carrot as we rigorously and painstakingly oblige to the rules of the game. 🥕🥕🥕 Aren’t we foolish..?

‘Some are strict and disciplined, learning this and that, others are laid back and let loose. But who will grow up and end up being the big boss is yet to be seen,’ refering to children with different upbringings. I just find it interesting why is it that the end game is being a ‘big boss’. That is the mark of ultimate achievement to people. 💰💰💰

No peace, but fear and uncertainty

Some parents aim to be perfectly meticulous in every details down to the kids’ every meal. Others aren’t as much. ‘When all your efforts are spent on your kids, when they rebel, you are more deeply hurt!’

I agree, because:

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
— Matthew 6:21

If you put all your years and tears in something, your heart will ache when they disappoint. When it comes to children, of course they will disappoint. Hasn’t that been the case for ourselves—aren’t we children too? Surely we can look at ourselves. In fact, the closer you get to any creature at all, the more spots and warts and all that you see. If you live any long at all, you’ll see that’s just the nature of created things.

I went to a Buddhist Charity Foundation called Tzu Chi with my Mom with her friends (Vesak Day Celebration). I am happy that Mom to find a community through her morning workout group, many of whom are her peers. It widens her horizon and view of things and life experiences. One of them was chased out of the house by her own son. So you can imagine the shock and doubt it put to the others. They say, ‘That is why when you are already old, you need friends! Nowadays, don’t presume you can rely on the kids to look after you!’

Don’t young ones need friends too? The fact is many don’t realise they do as they get absorbed in their own family life and become insular. Actually, many of these elderly are living examples of that, and later come to realise they do need friends after all. They have some in this community and that’s good, although friendship is something to cultivate in any season of life and it’s mutual (not something you do just when you need it). The beauty of it comes from walking alongside each other through the ups and downs of life’s journey—isn’t that where real depth in a friendship happens?

(to continue to part 2)