Well, in ANY family really, or any kind of group – as long as there’re people, if you hang around long enough, you’ll face disappointments. In principle I know that, so I had my eyes opened when I came to this church some yrs ago, and even wrote this article about it when things were going well. I also know I’m part of the problem (disappointment goes both ways). But when it comes to the reality you experience, it still bugs you doesn’t it?

For various reasons, recently I had been feeling extremely irritable. I attributed some of it to the people at church. To be fair, I think I was also more judgemental towards them to begin with because I was already in a cantankerous mode anyway 😠.

So, which comes first: the chicken 🐥 or the egg 🥚? Either case, both the chicken and the egg are already there. The problem’s still there to deal with, regardless which feeds which.

What’s the Issue?

By now, I have thought it through. So I will say, in short – it is me. 😅

But for the sake of walking you through my struggles, I’ll rewind and take us through it – and letting you in to just a little bit of the darkness of my soul. So here we go.

For starter..

Generally, we know there’s no lack of stuggles / problems in living, the future is uncertain, there’re things to constantly worry about, etc. It’s not a surprise someone snaps one day. Or it may even be some unrelated mental struggle that splatters all over the place and triggers a domino effect so that things that weren’t an issue now became a big issue (simply because you’re in a twisted state of mind 😵). Suddenly, you felt like the whole world is against you – all the time realising you may be over thinking it (that adds to the annoyance) – and quite innocent bystanders look to you like they’re out to get you.

Before you know it, you’re feeding on your spite, nurturing revengeful urges, bitterness, and self pity. Not a good thing.

In such a state, I peered through the lens of my mind at the church family, seeing problems that aren’t there, and magnifying and distorting out of proportions problems that do exist.

Of course, with people, (even if you have no particular issues in your head) there’s no lack of things to pick on, be dissatisfied and frustrated at if that’s what you choose to focus on. And I did. So a long trail of things replayed in my mind and I seethed over it in my heart.. 😡

Unmet expectations in general

It is not wrong to expect more from the church (although you know they’re imperfect as anyone else including yourself) because of what they profess to live for: in honour of God and service of others. Ideally, if you do call yourself a Christian, you should live distinctly from the world. That’s something that’s largely lost in today’s Christianity – where people can’t tell anymore what makes you different – and that’s a pity. As Jesus said,

You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet.

Matthew 5:13

That is, Christians are of value to the world only if you retain your distinction – but if instead you’re no different whatsoever to the ways of the world, you can’t bring any good to it.

Christians should be the ones whose character most stand out, most uncompromising, gracious and generous, most humble and gentle.

Yet when I looked, I saw no difference, and it is even worse because now there’s a name to call by the mere fact they’re in the church: hypocrites. Not living your talk.

The younger generation particularly: non committal, irresponsible, unreliable, can’t even keep up with something as basic as being punctual.

The facade of friendliness sickened me. All the smiles, hugs and talks, I interpreted them all as insincere necessary routines people put on.

Cliquish. I suddenly just noticed. I wasn’t bothered all the past 4 years I was there, but now it seemed to stare squarely at me. No wonder those international students felt left out. I recalled dismissing the concerns of some international students in the past, telling them to focus on serving others instead of waiting to be served. ‘Go out of your way, speak to those who are alone, stop feeling sorry for yourself.’ Not withstanding I will suggest the same, but I now recognised it’s a problem that people just get into their comfortable groups. So inward looking, selfish and immature.

I was feeding my judgemental spirit so much I started to find fault with just anything random I could pull out from the passing sushi train on my mind. Everything annoyed me.

It shouldn’t be left unsaid that in the midst of it, I did look around and ask myself, ‘Aren’t there examples of humility, gentleness, and grace, though?’ And the very angry Melly answered, ‘Yes, very few. Too few. Shame on you all.’

Personal offence in particular

It’s funny how some past events that weren’t a concern now suddenly popped up in front of me like a huge Bù dǎo wēng (不倒翁). Makes me question if I really was never bothered by it and it’s just my temporary insanity that makes nothing into a Bù dǎo wēng, or I was actually just unaware that I did in fact mind it..?

In any case, the Bù dǎo wēng was there wobbling incessantly and I had to contend with it. 🤨

I started to think very uncharitably of others as many past unrelated instances popped up in my mind accusing them.

‘These people have no sense of basic courtesy.’

I felt unappreciated and ignored by some, and it was made worse when I compared with how others outside of the church family treated me with more genuineness.

I felt being treated as a tool, ‘They only came to me when they needed something done. I bet they don’t care about me otherwise.’

In short, as you may imagine, I wasn’t feeling much love for my church family at all. I knew if I just let it be, I’ll end up scalding myself as I was brewing so much resentment, chucking more and more craps on it. Thank God that while I felt like slapping many, I knew something wasn’t right within me that needed to be sorted out. I’d better minimised my interactions with people meanwhile, else risking spouting half-baked nonsense at best and hurting others unnecessarily at worst. And so I did for awhile.

So, in summary, one fine afternoon Melly went mad, became very irritable and angry at people for no good reason, kept flying off the handle until sanity came back eventually. It’s odd, but real (and I suspect not uncommon). When you experience occasional mental lapses, sometimes you just need to give it a little time, and you’ll be sensible again.

Here’s me getting back on track -> (part 2)