Well, nowadays it seems mental health diagnosis as depression, PTSD, etc are easily and speedly given. The stats used to say 20% people suffer from it at some points in their life, but it feels more like 80%. In this post, I’m going to say what would be listed as ‘what not to say to people in depression’, so just a heads up if you wanna read on. I’m speaking my thoughts and here they are.

At times I still hear people say there is a stigma attached to it, but that seems to be good old days long gone. At least in the Western world where I live, let alone stigma, it seems to carry with it a badge of honour instead 🎖️. Not something to hide or to be ashamed of, but something to flaunt, like you have the privileged card, or priority pass, or the likes. Especially the younger generation, I feel like sometimes you just need to toughen up, grow up and get real, wake up to the reality of a difficult life (these would be the standard ‘what not to say’ to sufferers, I know). Still, it does look to me in many cases that’s what is needed more than handing out more licences to skip life responsibilities.

I came back from Indo not long ago. Some take holidays as an escape from reality, but if anything, to me it is more a reminder of the hard reality of the life and world I’ve been sheltered from most days. Either from long chats with friends/family, brief chats with the maids, workers, strangers, or just quietly observing people from the car windscreens at the traffic lights, I wonder how they live from day to day, what hope they hold on to, or what future is there to look forward to. It makes me think the talks about being depressed is for those who can afford it. In one sense, when you are surviving at the primal level and living in such poverty, you have no luxury to be self-absorbed with your abstract mind. I know people who on the other hand are free of concerns not only their survival, but also that of their next generations, who are thus the most miserable and mentally tormented souls. It is as though now that you are physically and materially fine, you have the time to be depressed.

Having said that, I know such thing exists and recognise it is a different kind of struggle. There are times when darkness looms over, and you can do nothing but to stay beneath the darkness that pervades your skies until it passes. When the illness is real, it can be very delibitating. So yes, taking mental health seriously is of course important. But what I observe is we don’t do well in discerning between what needs treatment vs needs a good big slap. I also find concerning that the latter cases actually undermine genuine cases, i.e., you’re belittling the afflictions on real sufferers when your routine whining is classed the same. I doubt anyone who suffers will be so ready to announce to the world of their condition. Not saying you should suffer in silence, but I’ll take it with a load of salt 🧂🧂🧂 those who are too quick and eager to invite a pity party for themselves in this regard. In any case, it does no one good to pretend you are the centre of the universe when you are in pain, it just makes things worse for everyone.

Recently I came across a kind of brain dump I had on the computer some years ago 🧠🗑️ (in fact I even titled the document ‘Thoughts Dump’!). Re-reading it now, turns out the dump wasn’t just craps. It gives me food for thought when I look back now. So I will share it here (and the next post, as it is quite a long dump – another heads up for you: stretches of paragraphs coming up 📃📃📃).

Some background

It was written more than five years ago during one of my lows, just a glimpse into the darkness I occassionally went into. Not sure if writing brought me clarity, but I am surprised at the relative clear-headedness and the ability to articulate, given I was clearly not in the right mind. Despite the right theology of suffering and the fact I was helping others in their struggles, yet it didn’t help me. It stopped at the head knowledge and seemed to be a burden. A good thing at least that I was quite honest and had no trouble in speaking my mind (at least to myself).

It also sounds so me (of course, it was me after all!). I will say more in the next post on what I think on reading back and how things have been since then, but for now, here you go, unedited.

Brain dump (2019) 🧠+🗑️ = 📃📃📃✒️

So what are you sad about?  What is there not to be sad about?  Life itself is tragic, to say the least.  There’s no end to the depth of darkness in a single human soul, what more do you need to say than that?  Oh, there’s more, much more, it’ll stretch from sky to sky – as I heard a song says the Love of God will stretch from sky to sky, I think it is not an exaggeration to say the repugnance of life put in words will do the same and blacken the sky in the process. 

I have been thinking as I looked up to the ceiling of my bedroom in the dark, the things we human do to fill up our meaningless days with things to distract us from the cold hard truth of life.  Too many things to think of.  Too little space to fit in, although the mind I imagine is an infinite storage so you can always throw some unresolved problem into it and expect it to disappear into the abyss, and then you can continue living like that’s never a problem before.

Everything is equally distressing anyway, what does it matter where I start?  But this is a hopeful attempt at disentangling some of the knots in my brain, so I should just start speaking i.e., writing, then may be the thinking will work itself out in the process.  So what am I sick of?  What do I have problem with?  Oh, what do I not have problem with?  What thing doesn’t have problem in themselves in this world anyway, let alone what problem I have with them?  And what kind of question is this to ask anyway?  But here we go.

Firstly, I find it distressing to live day after day the way it is.  Mind you, a well-adjusted adult with a healthy body, mind that works, roof over my head, a job that is good, friends who care, family who are doing well, a good church family, great biblical teaching, caring minister, role models I admire, even some deep meaningful conversations that I seem to enjoy with close friends.  So what’s the problem?  Well, clearly they are not the solution, that’s as far as I can tell.  I see life is truly empty, it’s hollow.  We try to fill it with things, interests, even troubles.  You grow up, busy yourself with studies, if you’re lucky enough to be born at the right place and time in the right family with the means.  Then quite naturally comes relationships to excite your life and give you a sense of purpose.  May be it works out may be it doesn’t, who cares, you still continue to busy yourself anyway.  Singles who have sense make responsible use of their time in useful manners as a single, the others get married and busy themselves with marriage and perhaps building a family life.  Those all seem real, of course they do.  But in essence I see they are the same hollowness.  It only appears not because they’ve been masked.  You get yourself distracted enough to think you’re doing something meaningful with your empty life.  A sad shell that lives just to pass time, decays and breaks down eventually.  Gone like never existed before.  What sense of purpose is strong enough to convince yourself your life is of some worthwhile pursuit?  When I really think about it, it’s all the same.  In companies, needless to say, I don’t need to start thinking much before it appears blatantly clear to me it is meaningless fights, like stupid chimps swinging around in madness and trying to climb some tower that has nothing to offer them ever.  But is it that much different with the church?  Also an institution, and also has people, same problem.  Sure, there’s genuine efforts in making a difference, but I see it is all a cover too.  Busy your life, with whatever.

Secondly, I find the endless cycles of pain that seems meaningless.  It is just bent on repeating, it’s insane.  Go to hell already where you come from.  But it won’t.  And I suspect it’s pulling me just a little bit closer to hell each time it repeats.  Just a little bit more, just a little bit more, and repeated endlessly.  What kind of sick game is it?  But maybe it is true what a friend said yesterday, ‘we deserve it when we suffer, Jesus didn’t when He did, so He always suffers more.’  May be that’s supposed to make your feel better if you are a wise person, or you can choose to let it crush you and you wallow in your self-pity, suffering the consequence of your past action when you’re a full-blown fool – not that you’ve grown much better either.  Resignation.  I don’t think that’s what one is recommended to settle with.  Stoicism?  I happen to be not bad at it, I think.  I am able to keep at something with sheer will (considerably more than many others I know) that’s contrary to the natural desire if I set my mind to it.  I have woken up in the morning feeling so low a drive to go to work like a normal human being, I felt sick enough to want to pass the day sleeping off the hours, wasting it?  No, it is just passing it.  May be that’s the least harm option.  But darn, I remember I already have appointment (like I often do, of course, it’s been set at least a week or two before).  It is important. Why?  Because I need to speak to some people on some things, because it is for their good, because I may be able to invite them to some things, because they may say yes.  So I got up.  As though I believe in what I’m doing.  I’m telling you, I probably don’t really.  And perhaps this is the way human psyche operates.  You almost automatically comply to what your mind perceive is your highest principles, when I suspect in essence deep down may be you don’t even believe it.

But maybe I’m operating on hedging.  Who knows there’s truth there.  Don’t think I’m all that noble to think for the best interest or true good of others, may be I’m just afraid of making the mistake of failing to do what is right which turns out to have significant impact on their lives, potentially.  In case it is true, part of me keeps still at doing it.  And I still meet younger people I supposedly look after as an older person.  Or when there’s newcomer.  Occasions call for you to keep a good face and go about your duty like a proper grown-up adult, not some peevish wilful self-centred child who’s self-absorbed at his/her broken toy that means nothing whatsoever to the world in the whole scheme of things.  May be it is pride.  May be that’s the source of my strength to get on with things nonetheless.  May be I just don’t want to be the kind of people I find contemptible, those, I would even call them, the ungrateful millennials who just whinge their days away and be useless to everyone else around them.  But even the force, whatever is it, isn’t inexhaustible.  I guess you can only grit your teeth that long before you crack it.  I firstly notice how I naturally think of alternatives to getting on with things as I should, such as thinking let’s just skip today and sleep off the hours, but no I can’t, I need to catch up with such and such.  Damn it.  But I chose to do right anyway.  Then I notice how I start to bargain, if I am not skipping meeting people, but I surely can stretch out the next time I meet them.  Or passively I would sigh a relief gladly when the other person needs to move back meeting.  There’s something that keeps me going because I see some fruit of it, when I do go ahead spend time with people as I planned to, and keep a good face anyway, and say what I should say as a good Christian anyway, and tell the Christian truth as though I believe them and as though I experience them myself anyway.  Then I see, hey it seems to help them, make situations better, they’re moving along well.  On the other hand, doesn’t that exhaust me.  What’s the alternative?  Pull a long face and drag everyone else along your misery?  No, you put on a front, I don’t think there’s an escape to that.  Moving along a few more weeks, now I’m at a point where I omit doing what I usually would, because I don’t have the energy, or wait, I flattered myself, more accurately I am not willing rather to spend the energy on others.  I’m good in keeping track with people, organised.  Shouldn’t I follow up, she asked about Growth Group term 3 and expressed interest to come last week, saying she’ll confirm this week.  But she hasn’t said anything since.  I should ask her, but no, what if she comes, then I will pick her up, then I’ll have to stay back, I can’t just leave afterwards, I’ll have to make her comfortable as a new comer, there will be chats.  I don’t have energy for that.  So I’ll just leave it, and she doesn’t confirm in the end.  Good.  What about the other girl, she said she will let me know too if the other Growth Group doesn’t work out she’ll come to mine.  But she hasn’t updated me, should I check with her?  No, it means I’ll have to do this and that etc.  I don’t have the capacity for that.  So I let it be.  And she didn’t update me, good.  I’m not their keeper anyway, and they should take some ownership of things they themselves say they will do, it’s not up to me to follow up.  Yes, but it’s just me to do so because I try to keep tabs on others, I saw that as making a difference to them.  But I can see now I am changing my behaviour just to cater to my need of withdrawal.

Thirdly, ..

Melly (2019)

To be continued in the next post