(continued from part 1)
Thirdly, I’m becoming doubtful of the weak attempt of humans to try making sense of life in such painstaking way, even religious ways. Formulated thoughts over the generations and history that is inadequate at the face of reality. So tell me am I not thinking straight or am I actually thinking clearer than I normally do when things are well (well in the sense that they enable you to not despair over the uselessness and utter meaninglessness and hopelessness of life). I think I am justified at my feeling anxious that things are going to fall apart. I wonder now why I haven’t been more often? The countless ways things may go wrong are as it is, countless. What makes me think it won’t do so in the next moment? I have every reason to live in fear and dread of the future. Which is of more sense? To live your life to the fullest as people call it, not thinking of tragedy till it strikes and whacks you in the head to pay off your due in really grieving for a time. It is certainly more liveable. But if you think about the truth, why that looks to me like choosing to deliberately temporarily turn a blind eye to the cruelty that’s staring you in the face at every corner if you just open your eyes and look. Or does it make more sense to live in dread, this lingering anxiety that catastrophe is about to strike, like anytime now? Who would want to live like that? Even if that is being more awake? So we all do prefer to slumber away, don’t we?
It’s funny, but the religious framework, and especially that of Christianity, has an awareness of suffering built into that. Like a way of getting ready for the rat when it eventually jumps upon you. So we’re warned, life is suffering, expect it. But persevere, hold on to the faith, we’re here to support each other, we’re here to pray for each other, pray to the God who does exist, and loves you so deeply, and came in the person of Jesus, and suffered and died for you. It is the most comprehensive defence against suffering compared to other worldview I know of, religious or not. It has someone who understands it, not only does so, but someone who cares, not only so, but someone who is also powerful enough to control everything and will everything work out for good. It offers meaning in suffering, telling you your suffering is never a waste, it has a purpose. It gives you a sense of company, you’re not in it alone, you have fellow travellers, you bear each other’s burden. It promises worthwhile benefits, and makes you taste (or seem to taste a hint of) the fulfilment of it when you keep to the faith because it makes you more humble and gentler person (and the ultimate end is to make you more like Christ anyway). It offers hope that this is the worst life you have and the best is yet to come. It lets you imagine the smallness of life on earth compared to the eternity in heaven, what is there to compare? But of course, all of these can only stand if you choose to believe in what you cannot tangibly see or even feel to be true in any sense. A leap of faith is exactly the point, that’s what they ask for, and when you do, here’re the offers that you can use to hold you above the water till the tide passes over another period. Sometimes I wonder how long it will last.
Now I almost feel like the kind words of exhortation and encouragements from people to be well meaning, but somehow received by me as just well intentioned, not necessarily based on truth. How come it now lacks the authority and life giving message it used to have? Isn’t it proven true when it is time fit to use it? How come it sounds like now we’re just friends, not fellow travellers holding to the same truths that is in fact reality itself. I don’t know what reality is. So I say, quite inadequate. The attempt of humans at building religious frameworks to make sense of life is inadequate.
Fourthly, I find this delusional: the pretentious fellowship of the Christian community that amounts to nothing substantial. Sweeping statement? May be it is, but may be it is sweeping indeed the lack of substance in the so called Christian community. May be I’m being pessimist, or even ungrateful. Is it not warranted? Too often I hear Christian language among the Christians who aren’t consistent in their lives in areas I expect basic sense of responsibility even as a civilised citizen of the world, let alone Christians. It sickens me. You talk about God’s love, the high and mighty privilege, and then you skip your work. What a cheapskate. Or substandard half-hearted quality of work, unacceptable. Worse things are with relationships. I speak to you for an hour over the phone because you’re in dilemma of continuing your relationship with this man who is perhaps not suited as a life partner given the level of his spiritual maturity and the frequency of conflicts you’re already having. We spoke on different occasions and you told me you’re on a break to think clearer. Good, I think that’s the wise thing to do. 2 weeks later, you break the news, you’re engaged to be married. What? Who are you…? It baffles me, have I been communicating to a figment of my imagination? Whatever happen to rethinking your relationship? That’s just one. And don’t even talk about the one marrying non-Christian, or the one living together for years with her boyfriend. Christian fellowship? Don’t talk to me about it, go on living your life with the secular dignity and that’s more respectable in my opinion.
Melly (2019)
And the writing just stops there, likely because of some call of duty. Sometimes I really don’t know how I carried on living productively day after day given how exhausting it was just to get up in the morning on those days. I heard someone talked about high-functioning depression being a thing. In any case, as far as I’m concerned, I don’t pay pay much attention to medical professionals of the field because from my personal experience, they aren’t too helpful.
I saw this counsellor years ago who couldn’t tell right from wrong and was a victim of his wife’s unfaithfulness in the past. He told me that to make a point: that it wasn’t wrong for her to cheat on him because everyone decides their own right and wrong. I sat there looking at him wondering what I was doing there. Afterwards, he told me I could call to book another session if I want to. I was thinking, if I go back, it is because he needs more help than me. He’s messed up in the head, he needs a therapist. Another one I saw was so intrigued by my responses to her questions the whole time, I thought I thoroughly entertained her and she should pay me for the hour instead. Also, the diagnosis just doesn’t make sense. Feeling moody? It is severe. Having suicidal thoughts? It is severe. Everything is classified as severe, aren’t there differentiation? I guess they want to err on the safe side, yet it becomes meaningless and unhelpful.
Thoughts on my thoughts dump 💬
The people 👥
When we talk about pain, it’s often got to do with people (whether or not they are the direct cause of it). It is partly the case for me back then, in particular the Christian community. Not surprisingly so, where you invest most time and effort in is where your pain points are, and for me it’s there (for you, might be some other people you spend most time with). Not the first time nor was it the last time I was discouraged. In fact, two years later in 2021, I wrote two-part post about my struggles with people again:
Today, it continues to be people. Including and increasingly so, with myself.
It is the perspective 👓
However, it is often not exactly the people that push you down the cliff, because difficulties with people are there on any day, aren’t they? You manage and live it with it on a normal day quite alright.
The issue, rather, is that there are times when you just are in a different realm. It’s not just the emotion or feelings that lingers, but the lens through which you see things actually appear different. Everywhere you look, it is a problem. Everything is amplified, little things appears big, big things are bigger, even where you saw nothing before now is something, and problematic. Things in the past that’s well past came back all at once, and one thought leads to the next and the next and there’s no end to the dominos that get bigger and darker with each one. The people themselves are just materials for the thought process, part of the mess to play with in your mind.
You only see that in retrospect when you are out of it. Funnily, while in it again, it repeats. It drives you to question not only people, but the very basis of your life and your foundational beliefs, I guess that is how some people end up questioning their worth to exist. The overwhelming sense of hopelessness and despair that weighs on you is no joke.
Times like that has a way to shut you off from what may be helpful, which is normally also people. I lose count how many times I tide over because of a kind friend who ignores, or rather, looks beyond my unreasonableness and reaches out to care nonetheless. That takes someone with grace, wisdom and maturity to deal with me not according to reason and common courtesy. Also importantly, someone with counsel that actually helps. Just being well-intentioned isn’t sufficient. And how many such people are around? Quite rare. Even if they are arond, you won’t always have them available, nor is it even always appropriate, not least because there are other priorities and life duties to attend to than you as one of their crazy friends.
Yet perceptive ✅
In the midst of the mess, I think I was on to something true. If you stare life squarely in the face, there is something right about the warrant for the lingering anxiety I wrote about, just like what I read recently,
That death, which by sin entered into the world would soon lay all waste,.. its arrows, which are continually flying about. We cannot but see ourselves exposed in the night. Our bodies carry about with them the seeds of all diseases; death is always working in us, a little thing would stop the circulation either of the blood or the breath, and then we are gone; either never wake, or wake under the arrests of death..
We are very unable to help ourselves, and our friends unable to help us; we are not aware of the particulars of our danger, nor can we foresee which way it will arise; and therefore know not where to stand upon our guard; or if we did, we know not how..
What poor helpless creatures are we, and how easily are we overcome when sleep has overcome us? Our friends are asleep too, and cannot help us. And illness may seize us in the night, which if they be called up and come to us, they cannot help us against; the most skillful and tender physicians are of no value.
Matthew Henry (A Method for Prayer)
Danger is indeed everywhere and at every corner, visible and invisible. We’re just too distracted to have any sense of their being with, in and around us, until you are well placed with nothing but your dark mind to consult with, then you see clearer. The problem is I often see clearly only the bleak reality. That’s the nature of such struggles. On better days however, when the clouds pass on, then what Matthew Henry continues to say makes sense,
Let us lie down in peace and sleep, not in the strength of a natural resolution against fear, nor merely of rational arguments against it, though they are of good use, but in a dependence upon the grace of God to work faith in us, and to fulfil in us the work of faith. This is going to sleep like a Christian under the shadow of God’s wings, going to sleep in faith; and it will be to us a good earnest of dying in faith; for the same faith that will carry us cheerfully through the short death of sleep, will carry us through the long sleep of death.
Matthew Henry (A Method for Prayer)
Ponder on 🪑
So that’s one instance where I was in 2019. How have things been and where am I up to? In terms of what goes through the mind in the thought process, it’s grown darker. But in terms of the cycles of depressive episodes, glad to say I am managing better.
It is how you see the light clearer when you are further in the dark, especially the darkness of your own soul. And I’m sure I will not stop being surprised by how many more layers or what lies behind each layer of the human heart, for that I can see mine most clearly. And increasingly, for that I am called to concern myself with mostly.
Endless cycles of madness in life like this also reminds you don’t get too comfortable in this world, it’s not home. Something is broken and it will always be the case this side of heaven. But as Christians, to remember,
.. all is well indeed that ends everlastingly well.
Matthew Henry (A Method for Prayer)