A mini family trip, my sis + nephew and I went to Ballarat a few weeks ago.

How big is your ego?

My nephew, 4, has a big ego indeed.  Because he had said he didn’t like to go to Ballarat (hadn’t even been there before) while throwing tantrum one day, he had to stick with it.  It’s not unique to Ballarat, it happens in his daily little fights with my sis. 

In weeks leading up to the planned trip, he still clung to it saying, ‘but I don’t want to go to Ballarat, I don’t like it there.’

‘Well, then you don’t have to go.  We go, you stay at home.’

‘No, but someone has to stay to look after of me.’

‘You want someone to look after you, you come with us.’

‘But I don’t like Ballarat and I don’t want to go.’

And on and on..

The ego problem is not unique to him.  To be honest, it seems to run in the family.  My sis herself stopped drinking milk at two because she was angry being teased for still taking milk when she’s already a ‘big girl’.  So, no more milk.  She won’t touch it anymore and therefore grew up to be a cute puny girl with small bones.  

One of my brothers too, once in dilemma contemplating if he should go ahead stab my cousin because he already said he would.  Holding the kitchen knife pointing at her (knife shoved to him by my cousin, who dared him, standing in front of him in a provoking manner), he thought, ‘If I don’t do it..?  But I already said I would!  But if I stab her, what if she dies..?’  I think he was about 9.  Glad to say, no stabbing happened and no one died.  

I’m no exception.  Was hit with a cane pretty badly by my uncle as an 8 year old (that’s right, where I came from, it was somehow acceptable to beat the crap out of other people’s kids!  No kidding), asked to say ‘sorry’ for something I don’t even recall now.  But basically, the hitting would continue until I conceded.  I instead yelled, ‘I did no wrong, you ‘moncong babi busuk’*!’, clenched my fist, grit my teeth, until…?  My uncle was exhausted from hitting me, and even my Mom said, ‘come on, just apologize and we can go to bed.’  It was mid-night, but I wouldn’t.  He gave up at last.  Messy in tears, swollen eyes, wound marks everywhere, but I remember feeling a sense of triumph as he walked away.  

No wonder my other brother once lamented, ‘.. 2 sisters, 1 brother .. all of them crazy!’  Poor brother, he is indeed the only normal one. 😛

Anyway, I suppose we all have grown somewhat, hopefully wiser in choosing what’s worth our wholehearted steadfastness.  

*‘stinky pig snout’ in Indonesian, a typical insult to people at that time 🐽

‘Why did you do that?!’

Very eager to pan for gold, my nephew almost jumped into it.  We let him on his own and said, ‘watch out for the water.’

Soon after, he fell into the water and instantly shouted, ‘WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!’ flinging open his arms.  We helped him out of the water while he continued scolding, ‘WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!’  It was so funny.

While my sis got him out of his clothes, he continued looking quite angry.  I asked him, ‘Who do what?’  

‘The pusher.  From behind.’ 

Yeah right, no one pushed you, man.  He was not careful, fell over, and blamed the shadow.  Hahah.. 

We don’t need to teach anyone that, do we?  When we fall due to our own fault, the tendency of our hearts is to instantly blame it on anything / anyone else but ourselves.  

Gold from within?

I had an Easter lunch get-together last week with some friends and shared with them some things I experienced growing up, when I tried digging for gold as it were.  One of the unique individual stories which is but a symptom of the common pursuit of the whole human race (that of meaning, significance, intimacy, identity and all the rest of it).  This is what I shared.

One of the places I’ve tried to find the ultimate fulfillment was in myself.  In retrospect, I can see it’s my way of protecting myself from hurt after being deeply traumatised by certain events and people.  People do it differently, but for me I became indifferent to everything and everyone (I tried to be anyway).  Those years was about me and what I wanted.  No one tells me what’s right/wrong.  I decide.  There’s no higher authority than me.  Or in other words, I am my own god. 

That’s actually our modern mantra, is it not?  In my experience, however, it’s the surest way to cultivating selfishness and pride, this self absorption is the surest way to loneliness and emptiness.  Living for myself, self discovery, self reference, right?  So I dug and dug within and .. did I find gold .. ?  I would have found gold first in Sovereign Hill the other week when I went panning with my nephew!  But in my heart?  I found only endless digging.  The more I plowed, the more darkness and filth I found.  I could of course choose to ignore it at that time, but then I realised that meant I get my peace by not thinking. 

Pop psychology that tells me to look to myself and trust myself and no one else is not consistent with the reality of life as I lived it.  Trust myself.  Which part of myself.. ?  Follow my heart.  Which part of my heart.. ?  Because to be honest, there are different voices in me, you see.  The human heart is conflicted.  

I find this saying a much more honest and truer reflection of the reality of my life instead:

What we’re talking about here is not just our tendency to lurch and stumble and screw up by accident, our passive role as agents of entropy.  It’s our active inclination to break stuff, ‘stuff’ here including .. promises, relationships we care about and our own well-being and other people’s..  [We are] a being whose wants make no sense, don’t harmonize: whose desires deep down are discordantly arranged, so that you truly want to possess and you truly want not to at the very same time.  You’re equipped, you realise, more for farce (or even tragedy) than happy endings.. You’re human, and that’s where we live; that’s our normal experience.

Francis Spufford

So even before I became a Christian, I came to realise I can’t generate meaning and purpose from within.  It has to come from living for something bigger than myself, other than myself.  

So, what’s Easter got to do with all these?  Well, you’ll have to ask me and I will tell you more 😀