(Continued from previous post)

Feeling of imposition

They say..

Partly because singles are used to be independent in doing things themselves, it can become difficult to reach out when in need. They may truly want to be involved in the lives of their married friends, but they feel like a burden imposing on others if they ask. It makes it difficult for them to be proactive / intentional about the friendships they long for.

As a form of self-protection, singles may also be consciously / subconsciously reluctant to commit to a relationship as they feel it’s another friendship that’s going to change. Over the years, people’s lives change around them and they feel powerless about it e.g., when friends get married, have children, move away and it seems no one needs to consult them for decisions that impact their relationships. They feel they’re no one’s priority.

I think..

I do think twice before I ask for people’s time (partly because my own schedule is always packed! 😛 and yes because I feel I may be imposing on others). But that’s to anyone, not just my married friends although I may give it more thought just because naturally they may be more restricted (though not necessarily – I remember I mentioned previously there are parents who sit around doing nothing!).

As with the variability of friendships, I’ve learnt that’s just the reality with anything in creation and try to take it as it is. In a sense, it’s good not only to guard your heart against unrealistic expectations of friendships, but also of spouse, family, children and everything else.

It’s an illusion of security even in marriage to think you have it permanently. There’re all sorts of things that may (and eventually will) change it. Being single, I don’t face the constant temptation of being misguided into a false sense of security that many married couples do, so over the years it’s somewhat enabled me to appreciate and honour things and people in their rightful place (not perfectly done – not even close! – but it does make me more in touch with reality than I otherwise would be, which is a good thing).

 

Free but alone

They say..

Constantly turning up to things by herself, Dani said it can be exhausting and taxing.

Paul said in his church, they have dinner before the PM service (some find it takes off the pressure of walking into church alone).

There are particular freedom with singles, but also limitation with those freedom. E.g., holidays. Dani either feels –

• totally excited, in control, with heaps of options OR
• with zero option, no one to go with, and no $ to go anywhere!

Being on either end of the spectrum, holidays can be a particularly difficult and loneliest time of the year.

Paul is intentional in inviting singles to join their family holidays.

He also said (particularly to the busy married people I presume) you need to have a mindset of wanting to be a friend and can’t say your friendship list is full or you have no time to invest in new friendships because life is about investing in new friendships all the time. Because you naturally think through the lens of your current status, you need to be intentional about cultivating other friendships.

I think..

I know some feel the exhaustion of turning up to things alone, that hasn’t been in my experience. I drove to church myself a few years ago, but soon I was driving a few students with me each Sunday. Because I had the flexibility, the car is empty, so I picked them up on the way. So I feel that the freedom you have as a single need not be a problem and can instead be just a freedom to be useful.

With holidays, I didn’t think much about it as I normally use it to go home to Indonesia to spend time with Mom and family. I prioritise holidays around that as I left home very young and haven’t spent much time with Mom since.

Anyway, I remember now that last year a kind family invited me and another single lady to join them in their family holiday. It was a brief holiday that became very dear to my heart. When it’s lived out well, the Christian community is a beautiful thing to behold and experience 🙂

‘Families Only’ = Singles, Keep Out?

They say..

When an activity is labelled ‘Families Only’, it also bears a second label that says ‘Singles, Keep Out.’ Some people follow the instruction right out of the church. Dani quotes,

.. the health of the church is shaped by healthy families.

Scot McKnight

How would the single person feel?

The gospel jewel has many facets, adoption being one of them. In adoption those with no family are folded into the family of God.

Sean DeMars

She made a point that it’s a misunderstanding about the family of God when married Christians think they’re adopting the ‘family-less’ singles into their family. The concept of the family of God is that all of us married / singles are adopted into the same family. Important difference there.

During Q&A, someone asked about the idea of ‘Singles Only’ group, to which Paul responded that church life – growth groups, social groups – should be all inclusive, not defined by marital status. The primary aim in the life of the church is discipleship. If the flow-on effect is that singles have space to meet each other it’s ok, but that’s not the purpose of the church.

I think..

I feel it’s a little nitpicking to be unhappy by ‘Families Only’ label. I don’t think churches should have such activities, but if they do, I just think it’s not wise of them (but I wouldn’t be personally offended).

To be fair, Dani did say she didn’t want this to be ‘Angry Singles Conference’ hahahah… but it does sound like that to me sometimes from some things I heard 😛

I however agree with her clarification on the definition of God’s family. That’s an important distinction all Christians should be aware of. We’re all lost before and we’re all found now, everyone regardless of marital status are now children of God – hence a family.

I also agree with Paul about the ‘Singles Only’ group. I think the church has its priority confused if they do that, besides that’s also sending a very wrong message of what the church stands for.

Afterthoughts

Encouraged

When I first knew of Single Minded Conference, as a Christian my first thought was: Isn’t it great that we can openly share about this and together intentionally think about how to be in each other’s lives as a family under God? I thought that’s really encouraging. If you’re interested, you can watch their various talks here.

Ignorance that harms

While there are pluses and minuses particular and personal to either the single or married, in my experience it’s helpful to be in touch with the reality of both. Just so you don’t live in a neverland and suffer unnecessarily due to plain ignorance of reality.

As Paul Dale said, it’s natural to view through the lens of your status. I’ve heard married women say,

‘It’s so good to be single, I used to really want to be married when I was in mid-20s, right now as a wife and mother, I wish I can have freedom and not so tied down. It’s exhausting and suffocating.’

Only the bad of marriage and all the good of singleness.

Then you have singles who put their lives on hold waiting for the unicorn. It’s especially unhelpful when they only gather around their single peers who’re equally desperate for a spouse and thus affirming falsehood to each other about all the bad of singleness and only the good of marriage.

Perspective matters. It’s like with Covid-19. If you know there’s a blind 85 y.o. woman and her granddaughter in Uganda who lived on nothing for 3 days but water and a daily cup of milk (given by a neighbour) which they shared between themselves, that because locusts destroyed their little patch of land and with no food they’re home expecting to die, that they face that on top of covid-19 – which had also made things worse – it puts your own covid-19 affected life in perspective, doesn’t it?

Likewise, when you know real people with their real joys and struggles in different stages / stations in life, it helps ground you to earth and live fully wherever you are at – single or married.

Truth that helps

Also, as Christians, we know what should dominate our thoughts, what our purpose is and how we should spend our days. When I do that well, I find little time / headspace left to indulge in unhelpful thoughts. So I definitely recommend it.

..whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Phil 4:8

Lastly, I remember words of a couple friend in one of our chats last year,

(Paraphrased)

‘You may grieve the losses, and acknowledge the good things you don’t and may not experience your entire life if you remain single, but as a Christian to remember that in the big scheme of things, you know it is alright..

Just like a couple who are married but can’t have children may grieve for the child they try so hard to have, but as Christians to know, that in the big scheme of things, it is alright..

Or the married couple who has a child who’s disabled, they may grieve at that, but as Christians to know that in the big scheme of things, it is alright..’

That perspective makes perfect sense in the light of the Christian faith.

I get the point. Do you (if you’re a Christian)?