I watched the 2018 Loving Singles talk (part of Single Minded Conference) and thought there’re some really good points – although I don’t necessarily agree with everything. It aims at providing general insight into the lives and struggles of singles particularly in the Christian context.
The speakers are Paul Dale (single till 40 when he then married) and Dani Treweek (40s, she’s never been married) – I’ll be using to their names as I write for ease of reference.
Some things covered in the talk I find interesting:
A desire to belong
They say..
While church is supposed to be a place where everyone feels belonged, it’s not so in Paul’s early experience. Only when he started dressing and talking the part that people started welcoming him.
The essence of church is we’re all in Christ, so why should people be welcomed based on whether you’re in the right clothing or not, or whether you’ve got wedding ring on or not?
He recounted how as a single he was invited to dinner by only a handful of married friends. Once engaged, a floodgate opened! Having experienced how it should not be, now he’s intentional in inviting singles to be part of his normal family life – not just to be babysitters or when the kids are asleep, but in the messy family moments too.
I think..
It’s true and sad we get cliquish even in church. That’s because like the rest of the world, the church is full of flawed people.
Yet we are called to a higher standard of love as we are truly a family. I’ve been a recipient of such kindness and love. I used to be a perfectionist when it comes to hosting. But I’ve changed in that respect* because my eyes were opened by people who open their homes and lives to me as they are. It’s because they do treat me as a family that they let me in as they are, not putting up a front.
*May be too much so that I didn’t even have a working toilet for my guests at one point! 😛
‘Are you still single?’
They say..
Don’t assume you have the right to speak into people’s personal lives. When single, people often made inappropriate comments on meeting Paul,
‘Are you still single?’
Like it’s a disease he needs to get rid of. How dare they assume he’s not contented? At one point, Paul felt like responding,
‘Are you still married?’
Many (who don’t even know him) felt they have the right to speak into his singleness and assumed the reason: Is he socially awkward? Too picky? Same-sex attracted?
He recalled the horrible experience of being set up on a regular basis (at one wedding, he’s seated at a table with 9 single women!). People didn’t make the effort to invest in genuine friendship and know him first, and just assumed everyone wants to be set up.
I think..
My first thought was, man, I feel sorry for him! That’s horrible to experience.
I think many of this societal norms and expectations are cultural too. Where I come from, people do place excessive values on getting married. The phrase ‘being left on the shelf’ are commonly and thoughtlessly used referring to girls who aren’t ‘taken’, as though girls are products put up on display on the shelf for takers out there..?
Personally, I think what’s important is to have your heart right about it. If you have the right view on your singleness, you’ll be able to respond better to unkind treatments coming your way.
What milestones?
They say..
Typical announcements up front in churches are engagements or new babies as opposed to achievements of singles that has not to do with marriage or babies. Dani’s single friend was upset one day after the announcement, saying,
“When do we celebrate things outside of those things?”
Also, churches normally do meal rosters for couples who just have a baby. But what about, say, a divorced woman with a significant surgery done recently? She’s in a more difficult position to care for herself than the couple.
Paul said he considers who may be impacted by an engagement announcement, or if he’s going to give a sermon on divorce, he’ll speak to those affected firsthand (or afterwards). He’s mindful of marriage-centric sermons / illutrations / applications, he thinks about the widows, divorced, never married singles.
He makes a point to remembers his single friends especially on the hard days e.g., for widows who have some grief / hard days on their calendars. He celebrates his single friends getting a new job. For birthdays – 40, 50, 60? He’ll ask if and how they would like to celebrate it?
I think..
Firstly, I’m just amazed at Paul’s effort in caring for singles in his congregation! But I feel it too much of an overreach though, although may be he’s so careful because many churches do lack awareness of the needs of singles among them. In the church I go to, I see people caring for just anyone regardless.
About being upset at announcement of babies / engagements, I personally find it a bit petty.. 😛
Those are good things to be celebrated because they’re indeed good gifts from God. It’s equally fine if someone wants to celebrate getting a new job, promotion, or a milestone birth year as a single. Each person has a different lot in life, given some good gifts but not others. You may celebrate whatever you want!
I just don’t see the announcement (or not) being of any issue. And I personally wouldn’t like to imagine hearing new job / promotions being announced just so the singles won’t feel left out.
Grief over lost dreams
They say..
While singles have other single / married friends who love and want to share life with them, that’s not the same as someone who’s there not just to help shoulder our burden, but to be shouldering the same burden as us at the same time. That’s simply something only the married who do life together have, where they’re so invested in where you are because it’s where they are at as well.
There’s also the benefit of double income. Some singles know they’ll never be able afford a house (especially in certain places) and they envy those who can do the ‘adult’ thing and have it ‘all set up’.
Then of course, the grief over not experiencing marriage, having children or family of their own.
I think..
I emphatise in particular with not having that someone to share and do life with.
Generally, I live on my own happily and quite independently. But there are times I feel lost and overwhelmed (mostly troubles of the mind, for I’m quite a handyman when it comes to fixing physical stuffs 😄 and am generally healthy!). Not necessarily just when I feel at dead-end mentally, but also when thinking through something important, it’s nice if there’s someone I can run my ideas with (things like that).
That’s when I thought it’d be nice to have someone more mature who can shed lights on my struggles, guide me in some ways and who can offer me wise timely advice because he knows me intimately enough. Of course such sharing can be done between friends meaningfully, but I recognise the difference inherent in a marriage relationship.
While I know this is a good desire to have, I also know ultimately the answer to the deepest longing of any human heart is not found in any spouse. Besides, we should also acknowledge that other than deep joys, there’re also plenty of problems that come as a package with any husband, family or children (even the best ones!).
On finances, I think it works both ways? Singles don’t have benefit of double income, but they don’t have additional burdens e.g., that comes with kids too. In fact, personally I feel more able to give precisely due to my singleness – I just don’t have much expenses to worry about!
Words, words, words
They say..
Anniversary or wedding FB posts. Dani said it may sound like a little thing, but she does think it’s problematic to post something like,
‘So glad to marry my best friend.’
Because singles hear 2 things –
- Marriage is the ultimate form of friendship available: if you’re single, it sucks to be you, you’ve got friends but not what the ideal friendship can be.
- If they’re very good friends with someone who got married, now they’ve just been downgraded. It makes them rethink their relationship with you when you get married.
Paul said these are examples of problematic sentences in churches:
- ‘Now time for kids to leave and parents to talk to each other..’ -> assume all are parents
- ‘All you singles out there..’ -> define you by marital status
- ‘When you get married..’ -> IF you get married
Then the church website, normally filled with families + kids playing (message received: This is church for families. If you don’t have, you don’t fit in).
Lastly, when Paul asks his single friend, ‘How are you going?’, he’s genuinely interested on how they’re going, not necessarily related to their singleness or contentment thereof.
I think..
Similar sentiment as before, I’ll say people can post whatever they want on FB! Personally I’m not bothered at however sweet a marriage / family may be portrayed. There are indeed legitimate joys to be celebrated as there are good things to be thankful for!
But we know it’s also true sometimes we get overly excited at various things along in life, and sometimes we learn the hard way that eventually nothing in creation fully satisfies. So if anything, I feel bad for those who are far out in the lala-land, for they’ll likely wake up one day and it’s not a nice feeling (though it is good).
As to the other points on use of words, I guess people could be more thoughtful in choice of words. But I’m a little cautious we don’t move to the other extreme of wanting to please everyone with our language, for that’s the same war the moral revolution is waging in right now, obsessed in trying to be all-inclusive all the time and in turn risk losing all meaningful distinctions.
So I’ll be careful about how much to emphasise on using ‘right’ wordings. Also, based on comments I’ve heard that offend people, I feel that some people will always feel marginalised no matter. Sometimes, there’s a good case to be made. At other times, the thing to be fixed is ourselves though, not so much people’s comments.
(to be continued in part 2).