Recently I heard a talk titled ‘To Live is Christ, to Die is Gain‘. My minister spoke about perspectives and asked when life gets bad, e.g., those who struggle long in joblessness, singleness, infertility, etc—what do you do? He talked about the normal reactions, e.g., self-pity, and about the gospel perspective. It’s one of the worthwhile talks to listen to.
As I was listening, I was nodding in agreement not only because there was so much truth in what he said, but also because I have experienced the fruits of the life-giving perspectives he talked about.
God’s truth doesn’t make things easy, but it makes your life simple, and very clear, it makes it meaningful and it’s strengthening. It fills you with joy, hope and assurance. His glory gets brighter as your body ages, wanes and decays each year—isn’t that wonderful? (What other hope have you got otherwise?)
I spoke to a friend lately about her struggle with singleness. She’s quite a bit younger than me, and I said it’s normal to struggle now and then, because you experience it differently in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and so on, with different griefs in each season (but also particular blessings). One of the beautiful things in the family of God is you have people of all ages and life circumstances. So when you are really in the community, you walk alongside people who give you perspectives other than your own and what’s better is we point each other to noone else but Christ who is the centre, with a much more grander cause to live for than each of our tiny passing kingdoms.
In my 40s now, I have not felt more blessed than at the moment, even as the body reminds me it’s on the downhill! 📉 You know when your neck, shoulder and back ache just from waking up in the morning? And just don’t trip and fall, because you don’t bounce back instantly to resume running like when you’re a kid! You’ll be sitting there for a good while to regain yourself 😵. I now understand what my cousin told me about going to the optometrist because she thought she’s got issue when it’s just old people eyes setting in 😅. The change in sights is certainly noticeable to me now! 🤓 Grey hairs increasingly make their appearance, likewise wrinkles and freckles. More than physical reminders, I find myself forgetting stuffs I didn’t used to, mental blanks occuring more, and energy level and capacity certainly aren’t where they used to be. Funnily, I was talking to a few friends who suggested reading a book on menopause, because it is coming for us.
That’s right, only in my 40s, not 80s!👵 But good to prepare for what’s inevitably coming, and good to learn to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom as the Bible says. So I take signs of aging as blessings in that they remind me to be prepared and guard against winging at every difficulty that comes my way as they just do when you age.
Among many things, I am in a good place in my singleness now, so I think it’s a good time to share some thoughts on the topic.
The way things are
The way God has created the world means marriages and family units are rightly the basic building blocks of society. Yet in a fallen and broken world, things are often distorted. It is harmful when some good things are taken as ultimate, likewise when other good things are taken as really bad and sad. But so it is the way it is.
In the end it’s about a girl?
Despite the individualism the modern age is promoting, society is still built and operates around couples. That’s what our movies and books, musicals, poems and arts are about. I’m reminded of ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’ musical. I told my friends after the show that it should instead be titled…. ‘The Gypsy of Notre Dame’, or ‘The Power of a Woman’, or ‘The Weakness of Men’! Something like that would be more accurate.
If you think it is about Quasimodo, you’re mistaken, because the gypsy girl is certainly the star of the show (with different men mesmerised by and trying to have her). In the end, it is about a girl! 😄
But it’s not so funny when even good Christian leaders send the message that they idolise their marriage and spouse (subconsciously or not). When even the best ones you look up to does that, it makes you think, does it always end up there—it’s about a girl / a spouse. And it is not funny, nor helpful, nor right.
Don’t get singleness right = Don’t get marriage right if/when it comes
As Sam Alberry said, when you don’t get singleness right, you don’t get marriage right either. That’s right. That is why the teaching of singleness is for everyone as is the teaching of marriage is for everyone in the Christian community. You need to see both biblically to rightly make sense of and live out your current station (be it single or married).
Otherwise, I have seen couples who, once hitched, behave like they never understood singleness (although in their years as singles, they had struggled to the point of being serial daters, and parallel fishing for girls🎣🎣🎣🎣(any girls! 🐠🐟🐡🐬🐳🦈🐙)—for the men. Yet, once a bait is caught, they flaunt it pretending like she’s the only one they’ve ever set their eyes on). It’s sad when you see the drastic flip as though they take singleness as something to graduate from, so glad that’s over and behave in a way that promote the false idea of marriage that’s unhelpful and even hurtful to themselves not too long ago. But it happens.
Anyone would do? 🤨
It is not uncommon that people try to avoid being single like a plague. I got an insight so surprising to me as it is to the other that I found it so. Someone once thought they’re doing me a favour by offering to introduce me to a stranger—not only to me (that is expected), but an unverified stranger also to themselves.
When I found out they didn’t even have a clue about the other person, I said let’s just leave it there. I find that flippant, but they’re as surprised. The response was, ‘I learn something new about you—you’re not ok to be set up with just anyone.’ Exactly right.. I just didn’t know that needs to be said. I was surprised they didn’t see anything wrong with it, but when I paused to think of the way they ended up married, quite right they really didn’t mind to be set up with just anyone themselves.
People are different, and it reveals our perspectives on singleness/marriage, rightly or wrongly.
Either way you can be selfish 🖤
Another common thought surprised me at a reunion dinner catch-up some years ago.
‘So, how’s life in Melbourne been?’
One of them responded that to her, life is all about her family, her life is lived and sacrificed for her family all day, whereas for someone like me, ‘Melly, on the other hand, lives for herself—so it depends on whom you ask.’
I was thinking, that’s really not true.. Of course, singles can be selfish if they use their singleness all for their indulgence, but so can the married if they’re as engrossed in their own marriage. You can as much put yourself as the centre of the world in either case. You can be as selfish when you so-called live for your family if it comes down to being all about you (i.e., it’s not exactly about others, because it’s only your family that matters to you, not others’). Isn’t it also most natural to care about your family anyway, by necessity you’re as invested in it as any, their interests and wellbeing are naturally inevitably tied to yours—why wouldn’t you care about it?
On the other hand, to spend effort and time on people who aren’t related to you, to welcome strangers into your home and show kindness to those you don’t expect to gain from, aren’t those harder to do? That calls for selflessness more than when you’re kind just to your own kind. In fact, that’s what Christianity teaches us by our own adoption into God’s family; to go beyond what’s natural to us, to welcome, love and serve the unwanted, strangers and even enemies.
And you can choose to do or don’t do that in whatever station of life you’re in. Yes, the married can be the most selfish people as much as the singles can be. It’s a matter of the heart, regardless of your marital status.
It looks to me that the way things are is that whatever else is going on, people have an innate longing for a spouse, and since they think singleness is a plague to be rid of, it feels like you’ve thankfully finally graduated from it when it happens (initially anyway, for I know marriage is no walk in the park by any means!), although in fact it hasn’t really solved any issues you think it will, not least has it even changed your selfishness but worse still it masks it leaving you to think you’re now selfless as you’re necessarily caught up in the grind of life that centres on your family. I think that’s at least worth reflecting on.
It looks to me like we’re looking at the wrong issues, or looking wrongly at the real issues. Hence our responses to counter them and well-intentioned attempts to make things better are often mistaken or misdirected, not only not addressing the issue but causing more problems.
The not-so-good solutions❓
A friend said with a relieved sigh, ‘one done, two more to go.’ referring to her son who finally married, and two others she’s hoping to settle. Sounds like a problem to be fixed, or something to be achieved without question?
On the other hand, another friend of mine said recently, ‘Just don’t get into it!’ as she’s in the process of ending her marriage after a decade (and a few children).
I can see how both are confident they are right about marriage and singleness, based on their background, culture and personal experience.
But even if the whole world around you live a certain narrative, you don’t have to follow suit, nor do you need to create your own because God has given us a better alternative according to His truth in the Gospel.
But firstly, here are some responses I think are misguided.
🎪Programs/activities/events/functions (you name it!) for the singles
‘People say we neglect the singles, but what activities can we do for them?’ someone asked in a bible study as we were on the topic of marriage and singleness.
We have creche for the toddlers, kids church for the children, youth programs for youths, marriage course for the married—what about the singles? Someone then said that some churches have speed-dating sort of thing, and dance thing every week, etc.
Well, it’s not abt the actitivies, is it? And the fact that there isn’t one reminds us that society does revolve, operate and function around couples and families. That’s exactly the point, the world naturally works around couples and families. 👫👨👩👧👧
When you do try to have an activity/event only for singles in the church, it ends up having the wrong focus. You can speed date all you want, but don’t come to church for that. Go for your life hunting and fishing for a spouse in social clubs and the likes, but you come to the wrong place if you expect the church to facilitate that as an official church event. It can of course happen organically that people end up marrying each other, but if that’s your primary driver in being around the church, you should leave.
In fact, it is not uncommon for people to come to church primarily for that. Instead of coming together as a family of God to build each other up in Christ, people stick to their peers not only for natural age-based comfort, but treating others as potential targets instead of brothers and sisters to be loved in all purity. Even when you don’t encourage it, people are already coming with a consumer mindset.
Also, when you hold a function or event catered only for the singles in church, what’s at the back of people’s mind? People get in to get themselves out of singleness, not to honour it as we are called to.
So, not a good idea.
(to continue to part 2)