Too many things, but here’re just some thoughts from.. last year (already)! They aren’t confined by Covid by any means, although it has its reasonable impact as with anything that’s constantly in your face! 👹

Part 1⃣ of 3⃣ because I’m thinking of writing two more after this, perhaps something around:

2. What has helped

3. Takeways for the New Year

But for now, here’re some general thoughts –

What’s a real change?

Do you think you have changed, say, over the 2 years drama that is Covid? 👺

Or have you just seen more clearly who you are through it? 👀

People call big events as ‘life-changing’ events in themselves, but it doesn’t seem as simple to me.

For example, we hear that it is great pain that makes that person bitter or whatever else they have become.

But I tend to think that’s already who they were inside, i.e., by default, that’s the response they will give in trial, only that the occasion now presents itself. Would you call a dragon different in essence from a dragon egg?

A real change, instead, is a fundamental shift in a person’s inner self that causes them to then respond differently than they otherwise would in a situation.

The good news is I may choose my response, and that is what in the end affects me as a person, not the mere event in itself.

One thing I’m learning to do that’s not what I do by default is learning to be quiet, because I realise much of the perplexed feelings is because I entertain noise. Yes, to also learn to distinguish between noise and substance – which is not easy in a world where there’s a multitude more noise than anything else. Switching off from them may be a wise option. 🙈🙉

Real growth? 🌱☘🍀

We pray for Covid to be over, for the wisdom of governments, for frontline workers, etc – which we should, and we do.

I think what’s more likely in danger of being ignored is what’s happening inside us. It’s not unlikely that when we finally get over this, we are happy (because we are no longer restricted) but fundamentally unchanged such that we are as susceptible to the next round of Covid or the likes.

If instead of hoping for changing circumstances, we also use this as an opportunity, say, to make better use of time, to form disciplined routines, to learn self-control and hold our tongues, we may come out more of a person with wisdom, stability, strength and endurance. Hence more equipped to handle next time – Covid Ω variant or something worse.

Someone said, develop good habits and you reap long term benefits. Else, you’ll be agonising to get out of bad habits for years to come. In either case, you’ll face struggles. So, I try choosing the right kinds of struggles.

Gain by perspective 🧐

Sometimes we may gain not by going through it, but by just looking at others going through it. But you’ll have to learn to raise your eyes away from yourself toward others, to those with heavier burden than yours by nature of their roles. E.g., If I think it’s not easy to put on a good face upon things, then imagine those whose job is to stand up front and encourage people to put on a good face upon things, every week, for 2 years (and counting).

That reminds me of the value of reading the writings of good old dead saints, many of whom penned noble meaningful poems / hymns during their sharpest trials. Today we sing those hymns thinking of what it means for our own life and trials, which look little compared to theirs (or even to many we know today). But such is God’s love – He meets everyone where they are and He cares. He doesn’t belittle our pain.

He met those saints of the past where they were in their bitter sorrow, and not only comforted them (as we witness in their writings and deep reflections) but also use their situations to comfort lesser sufferers like myself hundreds of years afterwards.

Put to the test 👨‍🦯

Something I’ve learnt in my life by now is that I do not really know what I need. What’s more, I do not even know what I truly want (thank God He knows both). And do I know what I really believe?

Being a Christian means following Christ and subscribing to His teachings, many are sayings you’ve heard so often their meaning doesn’t hit you until you’re hit.

Take for example,

¹⁶ So the last will be first, and the first last.

Matthew 20:16

Or this,

¹¹ The greatest among you shall be your servant. 

Matthew 23:11

That whole servant thing is nice to hear or talk about. But it really isn’t so easy, for we’re all selfish inside and naturally put our interests before others. We aren’t that willing to be lowly, unimportant or an afterthought. To constantly pick up things noone else would, to genuinely care for those from whom you expect nothing back, to serve in obscurity. Even introverts seek approvals and applause, and crave to be the centre of attention, love and benefits from people and situations (may be less visibly so by nature of their personality – what they prefer/not outwardly/in public – but yes, human nature remains the same whoever you are, it runs in your blood however unseen it is 🧬).

Jesus’ teaching is not human, so there’s a sense in which it rubs the wrong way rightly.

I learn that some pains are just natural results of the wrong point of view – the world’s, man’s viewpoint.

What’s funny is that I know that none of those I seek will satisfy, despite how convinced I may feel at the moment. Look around, watch people’s lives who’ve ‘had it’ – you know the delight will pass. Yea, not only pass, indeed they will even grow exasperated by the very thing they were once happily giddy about. Yet, the human heart still longs to pursue it! How crazy is that? Such is the uncontrollable insatiable longing of an empty heart. In pursuit of illusion, it will run headlong onto the bricks even when it knows it will crack its skull.

It’s not always easy, but I do count it as a privilege to be sober about some of what life is, so that hopefully I have fewer experience of fruitless pursuits like I would otherwise have.

One of the reasons I believe the bible is they aren’t things you’ll think a human heart nor mind will purport. The more I live, the more I see in it. Sometimes we just need reminding of the whys of being and doing. We’ll soon run out of steam if doing good is for earning brownie points. And sometimes we are just tired, so we need to rest. Or weak, so we need to be strengthened.

But if I believe serving is a privilege, how differently things will affect me. Let alone being truly servant hearted, or willing to be at the losing end as the world sees it, but the true way of life is cross-shaped altogether. Find what that means and I suspect the delight won’t ever leave you.

Self-doubt 🙄❔

One of the interesting (but mostly useless) things I attended this past year is a ‘Love Thyself’ workshop. The activity includes listing good things about yourself. While there is good point in actual self-awareness, I don’t think the self-focused orientation is going to make you any tender hearted toward others (not that it’s even the aim! 🤣).

You know the way of the devil is to use something bad to make you feel worse? I think it’s also his way to use something good to make you feel better than you should. And if the exercise inflates you more than the reality, you may be fooled into thinking the resources are all in yourself (which is a sure disaster in the waiting ……🌪).

My self-doubt isn’t in not knowing my strength, but in knowing how much better people think of me. Precisely because I am aware of what’s inside and how fiercely I struggle, while at the same time from others’ perspective I may just appear as a blessing, an encouragement, or even an inspiration. It makes me laugh and tremble that it may be so, for many times I truly do not know if I will remain standing the next day. And it also makes me wonder, what those people I’m looking up to are really going through.

And hence I learn the lesson of grace again. It’s baffling but it’s that simple – He keeps us. So I still stand even now, and I see more that it is not my strength but His. Be comforted you needn’t rely on yourself and you’re in good hands, Christians. And you will be surprised at what the Lord has done.

All these trials, any good? 🤔

In retrospect, we often are able to see the good in trials and the particular kinds of blessings that come only through them.

But seeing the value of it, why do we not want to go through the pain?

Personally, I see the value it has brought that I will not exchange for another, even if it costs those pains, and I can even thank God things hadn’t gone as I wanted. How come, then, that I still don’t welcome future pain?

I think it’s not because I haven’t truly seen the value of it, but that self-preservation instinct is very strong.

That doesn’t mean there’s been no beneficial changes in me, for there are, namely:

• When the next suffering comes, I’ve learnt it is not meaningless
• I know He is working good even through it
• I have seen He can be trusted
• I am assured He won’t leave me and will walk with me through it

In all, more prepared to face trials in life, that is sure on their way even as I write.

Ok, that’s it for now, I’ll have to find another time to write about what has helped me last year. Till then… !👋

(Continue to part 2)