Recently someone told me she’s shocked that 2019 has ended and she doesn’t know what she’s done this year.

Well, I certainly know what I’ve done and it’ll take 10x the length to write them down! So instead, I’ll just share some takeaways through both the packed and quiet days of the year.

There’re some overlaps among the ideas, but anyway, here’re some of what I’ve learnt or where I’ve changed this year that I can think of.

They’re not mine

In the last few years, I’ve tried to let the conviction about what I own to set the tone for the way I live. That includes my money and time, or my home and other things I own. It’s life changing when I do treat what I have not as mine ultimately but as gifts to be stewarded for the good of others and eventually the glory of God. I think I use them better that way.

Last year, what I was challenged to steward better instead is favour from people. I do think I’m very fortunate to have many friends who generally are very kind to me. Approval from others – that’s also a gift. It can easily become a source of security. When it becomes too precious to lose, I run the risk of becoming people pleaser where the driver of my actions is to keep them liking me instead of using the friendships we have for their good (even when it may cause them to misunderstand, or for me to lose favour altogether).

That’s difficult, and it did cost me more in the past year than before, but I think that shouldn’t surprise.

Reflecting on the mirror more

When I was bothered that things didn’t go my way, I’ve developed a habit to question my reaction. The conversation with myself happened more in these situations as I learnt to be more critical of self. The result of examining my heart was recognising my own fault quicker.

What I found often is it’s a similar root problem.

Who was it that says the thing about a deep root is that it doesn’t come out on the first pull? 🌳 Yes, that’s right. So there’s good that things weren’t as I wanted because it gave me time to pause, think and then see clearly what it was that I was idolising behind all those protests.

Counting blessings in fear

There’s some ups, some downs in the year but there’s a lot to be thankful for in the normalcy of everyday life.

Some months ago I asked someone how he’s going. He said, ‘Just normal. Usual, kids, work, family.’ I asked, ‘Normal is good?’ He replied, ‘I wish.’

But I think it is.

The ordinariness we experience is underrated. I think it’s really good.

Also, through those around me, more than ever in the past year I saw the gift of marriage displayed, the gift of friendship experienced, there’re moments I was overwhelmed by kindness, I felt valued as a family and I was grateful for the impacts of role models in my life. How fortunate I am!

There is fear however, accompanying this joy. There had been times when I really feared, like something bad was going to happen. I don’t remember being as anxious as I had been last year. Because that’s the reality of life, right? You just lose good things and people.

Does it diminish the joy?  Not sure, but perhaps it helps me enjoy them rightly.  Things fall apart by nature, so I should not be surprised when they do.  If they don’t, I thank God everyday.

 

The value of unfulfilled desires

Occasionally, I wished for something and that caused unrest in my heart. When the dust settled, although I didn’t get what I wanted, there’s no more unrest. Taken rightly, I think such experiences makes you a better person while circumstance itself hasn’t changed.

I came to see:

• Circumstances are used to shape me inside so I become less dependent on the constantly changing outside circumstances. The internal change is what matters.
• The initial things I wished for (while they are good) are not what will bring the contentment, satisfaction, peace, etc that I believed they must bring. Without the former, I still have the latter anyway.
• I would like this / that or I think it should be / would be best this / that way etc, but I really do not know what’s completely good. Only God who knows the end from the beginning does, so I can free myself off the burden that things have to go my way.

Overall, it helps me to be less attached to things, be less wise or confident in my own eyes, be more dependent on God and more trusting in Him. So, more peace and quietness in heart, and so a better life!

Putting a good face upon things

Don’t remember where I read it, but it went like ‘when we can’t help ourselves, it is always best to put a good face upon matters.  A change for the better will come sooner or later.’

There’s good utility in that principle. In difficulty, eat anyway, sleep anyway, get up anyway. Setting up a routine helps. Reading before sleep, writing out thoughts, or exercising, or quiet time? Whatever, but do them anyway.

Many expect any unhappiness to be fixed immediately when it’s actually quite a normal experience, or may be even good to go through. Though not good in and of themselves, but as I read recently, ‘the various comforts (I come to have) in my trials change me in ways I would never want to lose.’ So may be there’s something good there produced through the bad.

Resources for perseverance

In my previous post, I said sometimes I felt like saying, ‘Quit sniffling.’ The fact is at times I do that too!

All the freedom and capacity to live independently are great, but there are times when you just feel so worn out and depleted. So while my general attitude may be ‘Don’t be a baby’, sometimes I do think, ‘But it would be nice to be a baby though.’ 👶

Some helpful things I’ve learnt:

• The Gospel does give the reasons and resources to be strong.
• Glimpses of heaven are fleeting on this side as they’re just foretastes of eternity on the other side. It is worth hanging in there.
• The old self clinging on to me doesn’t mean the new isn’t there. There’s something genuine in the new birth, yes, I have seen it. The more aligned I am to the new self, the happier I will truly be.
• I’m not alone. I have God as my Father, Christ as my Saviour, and family and friends to walk alongside each other too.