At a recent Christmas party, a friend asked, ‘What is the biggest lesson of the year?’ Someone said, ‘Hard work pays off’. I was amazed at the speed and clarity that comes with the response. I wouldn’t be able to do that. Instead, more long-winded (being a woman 😛), here’s the first part of my response. 1k words. Haha.
I broadly classify things into what I’ve learnt that’s:
- (mostly) from interactions with others
- (mostly) from own internal struggles
So here’s part 1.
Rules don’t change people, role models do
I have for long a particular distaste towards what resembles Garfield mentality.
Having an idea of how things should be, I tend to notice things that shouldn’t be. It helps so much when there’re role models showing what should be instead.
Garfield, narcissistic, lazy, delusional. Along with that, many today say it’s the Millennials who are irresponsible, unreliable, non-committal, seeking easy way out, sulking if it’s not about them and expecting to get a free pass by playing the victim. There’re some truths in that, but I think that’s not confined to Millennials, it’s just people. (And BTW, I just found out by Wikipedia’s definition, I’m one of the Millenials anyhow! 😬)
After hearing at a conference on what not to do to people who say they’re depressed, I approached the speaker at the end and said I believe the current world is more in danger of pity partying than thoughtlessness towards sufferers. I asked, ‘At which point do we need to rebuke than listen and affirm?’ She wisely replied that the point of listening is not to have a pity party and just ‘oh poor poor you, so poor!’ It is to point the person back to the right framework of viewing things in the midst of pain. That’s right, I don’t think we do that enough. A friend said some months ago, ‘Be wary of people who too readily tell others their problems.’ I think he’s right too.
Anyway, seriously, those behaviors are annoying when unwarranted. I feel like saying, ‘Wake up from your kitty land! Quit sniffling.’
The problem is that all I saw was the ‘don’ts’ and that makes me very judgmental. I myself become self-absorbed while at the same time finding self-absorbed people irritating.
Knowing rules don’t change people, but role models do.
I remember being at a friend’s home. She’s writing up last minute prayer to be read in the church service that evening because she’d been busy all day. She’s married with 2 kids. Her husband asked if she wanted to add in the prayer for her Mom who’s unwell. To my surprise, half thinking aloud she said, ‘Should I also add in prayer for myself, and for my child too who’s teething, etc etc ..,’ and continued saying as she pondered, ‘How much more self-focused can you get?’
Even when she’s going through difficulties herself, she was still so gentle and empathetic towards others going through struggles, her focus wasn’t on herself at all. People like that, giving a counter example of a better way to live inspires me to want to be like them too. That helps shift my own focus from useless judging to active serving.
Bearing each other’s burden & bearing with each other
I’ve also learnt to be less harsh with people I naturally find difficult. There’s tendency to treat people differently, but I come to realise:
- I judge someone with a kind of finality when I don’t actually see the full picture. I cannot know all that someone has gone through, so I should suspend my judgement to the only One who has the right to.
- I need to look beyond to what they can be rather than what they are because it is God who changes hearts and transforms lives.
- People can and do change, even long-held worldview may change. Meanwhile I need to be patient, and in any case it is always better to be kind.
More than that, I have been extended grace and patience, not dismissed despite my repeated issues (I would have earlier dismissed myself!), gently rebuked, given caring attention I don’t earn. Among such friends, I feel safe to be held accountable when I have been thoughtless in words, unkind or hurtful. I can rely on people I trust to tell me where I fall short so I know and can work on it.
The more I experience it, the more I see I need this kind of community, and this is the community I need to be to others too. A community of grace where you know you’re flawed as everyone else, work to help each other struggle in growth together, and where you learn to look at your wrongs more than in others.
This makes sense because in Christianity, we recognise the dignity of each person as God’s creation (not a pile of random fart of the accidental universe) and the worth of every individual despite who and where they are at.
It also helps by looking at myself whose life has been transformed by God who met me where I was. His response to my guilt and mess is grace.
Perspective on getting tired
A few people have asked recently where do I get the energy to keep up with a continually packed schedule.
That’s a good question! Because I’m feeling exhausted indeed 😅 hahah, that’s why I’m recharging at home today!
Well actually, I do take breaks in between all the activities and meet-ups etc, I’m not crazy.
In any case, I think you will get tired nonetheless. Everyone has the same number of hours per day. It’s a matter of priorities, in the end you do end up doing what matter to you most. You choose what to be busy with or get tired doing. Even if you sit on the couch all day, you’ll get tired. Even if you idle all day, you get tired. So you decide what your life is spent on.
I wanted to say seasons in life determines how much you can do, e.g., it looks different in singleness vs parenthood. But then it’s not absolute because:
- I’ve actually been most inspired by my married friends who already have kids and how much they still make the time to care for others. So I think you still choose what to do with different seasons in your life. There’s always something you can do. Perhaps focusing on ‘what can I afford?’ helps.
- Also, I think people have respective crosses to carry in different seasons. Wanting to exchange it with others means not understanding it because they’re all heavy, that’s why it is a cross to carry. It’s meant to be heavy for the individuals. So, bear under it, and carry on.
- For good reason, assumption is normally singles are free, couples and parents are completely tied. Not necessarily true either, I know singles who are productively occupied, likewise parents who are free, sit around doing nothing, and wonder what to do next!
Having friends who are productive helps too. As I said to a friend, if you’re one who’s prone to laze around on your bed all day, and you keep spending time with people who slouch on their couch all day, then don’t be shocked when you end up feeling useless and depressed. You ask for it.
Insufficiency of Community
Let alone bad ones, but even good ones aren’t ultimately sufficient.
Friendships and family are good things. I’ve been in good ones, e.g., during my church camp a few months ago, where I see kindness extended, graciousness in responding and relating to others, sincere attempt in having conversation with people you don’t usually talk to despite differences and awkwardness, and heartfelt recognition of the common human frailty underlying individual problems.
People say community is important, which it is.
They tide you over difficult times, which they do.
But I think in a real way you struggle on your own in the sense that there’re things you can’t share with others, things only you understand and not shared even within the closest bond of husband/wife.
I had walked alongside a couple (the husband battled cancer for years) where I saw there were mental sufferings the wife went through that the husband would not be able to understand. Likewise, while she’s always there for him, there’re pains he experienced she would not know enough of. There are things that are deep and unspoken because there are just no words able to capture the depth of each person’s complete experience. Besides, just like at the end of his battle with cancer, people will be taken away from you eventually. Deaths and farewells of all sorts.
A good community certainly helps and I’m thankful. But they aren’t sufficient, say, to fill the endless abyss of the heart, or to see you through all things. Not by themselves. They aren’t designed for that, it will end poorly if forced to do so. Only God is big enough and inexhaustible for that. So I see that apart from God, you’re really alone.
One of the good things in the Christian community I’m in is the recognition of this reality so we’re reminded not to make each other into gods (tempting to do so when the community is great), but we endeavour to point each other to the real source of life, joy and hope that alone can satisfy. One of the most helpful things I’ve heard this year (I’ve been told this a few times) is, ‘Look to your Savior, Melly.’ That helps keep me sane and real, thank God.