It’s not uncommon today for people to leave a community because they have been hurt. Likewise a church community ⛪. Although it should be different, people do still come to church mainly for the community. Likewise, churches often advertise themselves by that appeal too. It is not untrue, but it’s not the complete picture and may set the wrong expectations for visitors.

I’ve known many cases of people who ended up disappointed and left. The last one was a friend I introduced to the church some time ago. After hearing what she shared about the disappointments in people one after another, soon after she just settled in church and started to serve where she could, I imagine it must be deeply hurtful. She decided to withdraw and left altogether. I was sad that she’s received such treatments from others and that she’s responded by walking away quietly. We chatted about it and I hope she will not give up altogether.

A few things come to mind that may be helpful if you’re in similar situation –

Look beyond just the dark spots 👁‍🗨

I have also been disappointed by people (who hasn’t?), but I’ve also been built up and encouraged.

That’s just normal.

A friend encouraged me the last time, saying, ‘I hope you will not give up on people and the community and will experience genuine friendships, despite this experience.’

That’s such a simple thing to say, but that really spoke to me. To remain hopeful, for this is the people of God and it is God who works to transform lives (including ours, hasn’t He?). And to remember your personal experience doesn’t necessarily dictate the truth for all time and all people, so don’t throw the baby out with the water. Also to remember the other side, haven’t I received kindness from true friends, even that friend who listened and encouraged me when I needed it?

The nature of community is flawed

Not just church, any community is by nature flawed. But does it mean we stop loving..?

Does it mean we just leave when we find that out?

If you leave to another church, it will be another with imperfect people too 😵. If you leave church altogether to another community, it will also be one with people who will disappoint you. Even the best ones will.

A dear friend told me, ‘I will dissappoint you too, Melly. Just watch out.’ I didn’t want to hear that, but my friend was correct. I just didn’t want to be reminded of that fact, but I needed to.

If you look any closely, if you’re involved in the community at all, you will soon see it’s far from perfect.

The only way to avoid being hurt is if you withdraw from any community altogether. Or I’ve heard someone said, they decided to just recoil from the church and focus on their little family life. That may be a convenient and an easy option if you have your own family (especially with small kids, there’re plenty to busy yourselves with), but it’s not helpful in reality nor for your own good. It’s not like your family won’t disappoint you either, albeit may be different.

Your part to play 👏

All was well for my friend until she felt settled in church and started to help out.

Service does cost, including getting hurt.

But that’s also how we grow, it brings many benefits too as I shared in my previous post.

Also, while the community is flawed, we have our roles in the sanctification of the church too. We can be there as a part to make it better because we grow in godliness by living with and alongside each other with all our shortcomings.

One day though, it will be perfect, and we look forward to that.

The nature of relationships 🎢

When we draw back each time there’s a conflict, we are not giving any chance for real relationships to grow. For it takes conflicts and disagreements for real relationships to develop. That’s where you know someone best.

In the case of my friend, from my vantage point, I could guess why this or that person had said or behave that way. It could have been a big misundestanding, or part of it. But we never know, because she chose not to speak to any of the people involved. She decided they did not live up to her expectations and left it at that. If she had known where they’re coming from (i.e., what’s going on in their lives, what had just happened before they met, etc), she might have a very different take on what they did. But we never know, because she did not seek clarification.

As it is, those people do not even realise they have caused her grief and that she’s left because of them. So, there goes the opportunity for humility, charity and kindness, forbearance, forgiveness and reconciliation. Easier said than done, but still, a wasted growth opportunity.

I think it is a pity, don’t you? At least try to speak to them first, especially if they had been kind to you earlier. There might just be a chance for great friendship on the other side of the hurt.